pain

tonight i have done one of the craziest things i have done in one day. i went wild and let my friends go up to guys to see if they where single for me. truthfully, i loved this, its just i didnt know how to react around them, but now that i am at home, typing on my computer, and remensing about it, i wish i would have taken advantage of this. i wanted a friend like this for a long time, one who is head strong, and will go after what she wants, or what her friends tell her to do. i love that about her. now i just wish that i couldve talked to some of them, and had more fun. i messed up so much, but now i will be ready for the next time, and ready for the intesity of it. i love going crazy i just dont know how to react to do this, because im scared. i dont have that much confindence with guys. all they do is use me, and dump me. thats what im scared about. that is the thing that scares me, to be left on the side of the road, but something that scares me more, is to never feel the happiness, because so far i havent felt it yet. i wish i could relive what i just did, but i know that i will get to do it again, soon, i hope sooner, than later.

here in your arms

my life right now is complicated. i recently broke up with my only boyfriend which i completly regret even going out with him. i lied to myself and made myself desperate i wanted the feel of a guy near, and the feeling of knowing i could depend on someone. if i have any advice it is the advice i got from my bestfreind melissa she told me "live your life, and let the right guy find you through there." ever since then i havent been looking for guys ive been looking for what makes me happy. soccer, friends, and everything else. it so far is going good and i am finally for the first time happy and content in where i am.

that may be true for my social life but my home life is completly diffrent right now. we still dont know about anything for my grandpa, and my dad still gets drunk every once in while. on june 26 is when we find out what will happen. he has a possibility of two hundred years. this is scary for me, because my whole family is messed up but never with the law. ive dealt with families disowning part of their own and coming to ours, and a family disowning me and my sister and father, but never have i dealt wih the law it is so diffrent. in this one they dont choose this, tthough they do the crime so i dont know how to react at all.

but other things that are good that are going on is that im making more friends everyday, but im scared that im losing some old relationships little by little, and im scared about that, but on the other side my new relationships are even stronger then all the others. i know where i want to go with my whole life, i want relationships like these in my old friends, and i want the truth about my family, if my grandfather could axually do that to someone, and finally i want to find someone while being myself every single day. i dont want to change myself, but i still want that feeling, and im just going have to hold off on wanting this for a little longer. ill try to post more so vic will get off my back, but we'll just see i guess.

Welcome to my life

In the last year everything has gotten better for me. my friends are closer to me, my family is stronger, and everything is getting easier. But, for everything that happens good, there must be a bad. the bad in my life shouldn't be affecting me, but it does every time i hear about it. my grandfather, someone i'm not close to at all, is about to be put in prison for two hundred years. the thing that makes it so hard is that in the begging, he fought it, saying he didn't sexually abuse my cousin, but less than a week ago he gave up, or realized that he couldn't run from the truth. now i'm scared, not scared that he will go to jail, not scared that he might get out, but scared, because i don't know how to react. my mind says you shouldn't worry about him at all, he doesn't matter and he deserves this if he did that. my heart however says that you should always worry about someone in your family. the part that makes me even more scared is i dont know how to react when my family says this, if i act to sad then i dispoint them, if i act okay, then they think i dont care at all. i dont know how to act. i dont know the answers to life, and i wish i did, i wish i had the answers to what part of life meant, mabey i could understand what is going on.

Who's the one

i wrote this after i realized i couldn't have what i wanted from this guy. so i described the perfect guy to myself.

Let me find the one,
That makes my heart skip a beat,
Every time I’m around him.
Let me find the one,
Who makes my thoughts disappear,
And I can live without worries.
Let me find the one,
I can tell my secrets too,
The things that go on in my head.
Let me find the one,
That is fearless.
That can protect me from the world.
That can make me optimistic.


Help me find the one,
That belongs to me, and I to him.
Help me find the one,
That makes me feel safe,
In his arms.
Help me find the one,
Who fills my mind every-night,
Making my dreams sweet bliss.
Help me find the one,
That can put up with me,
That loves my mind,
And body.


My soul-mate,
Will never leave my mind,
Even as I fall asleep.
My soul-mate,
Will always be with me in spirit,
Until he emerges from the shadows.
My soul-mate,
Will search for me,
And I will search each and every day,
Till the day I die.


God,
I’m not faithful,
But deep down I do believe.
God,
Help me find the him,
Help us find each other.
God,
You have made my life full of ups and downs.
I want to stay on the ups.
God,
If I meet him,
Forever will I owe you.
God,
Please let him find me,
I may be young but I do feel this way.
God,
If I had love like this,
Nothing would hurt me like it did.
God,
Please give me this one wish,
Let me find the guy of my dreams,
Before my dreams fade.
I know it’s selfish,
But I want to feel this,
And be on a high,
For the rest of my life.

Life for everyone

this poem is very confusing, but if you have felt this way at all it will make a little bit of sense. I write through nature, if that makes any sense at all.

For everyday the wind stands still,
There are twice as many,
Winds that will wipe you off the earth.
The ocean will be a sea of waves,
Crashing onto the never ending beaches,
Every-day the wind stands still,
Cherish it,
For it will not last long.

Don't

Don’t treat me like a friend.
Don’t treat me like an enemy.
Don’t treat me like a person you just met.
Ignore me like all the rest.
Don’t hurt me like a guy would.
Don’t hurt me when I’m smiling.
Don’t hurt me with my friends around.
Ignore me like all the rest.
Don’t let me run-away.
Don’t let me fall.
Don’t let me leave this world.

if...

If I could have the world,
I would say no.
If I could have a wish,
I would wish for someone else.
If I could have anything to make me happy,
Don’t expect me to take it.
I don’t deserve happiness,
And never will.
Being jovial belongs to people with lives,
Not the ones who pretend they do.

victoria sucks!!! but is awesome

my friend victoria forced me to do this so know i am blogging about nothing. yay!!! :) she is with me now forcing me to say that she is amazing. when she isnt well most of the time. some days she is great, but remember she is forcing me to say all of this.