sorry, blame it on me.

why does the past always come back? to haunt you? to tease you? to make you smile? to make you cry? why cant the past just always stay in the past? the past is the past, but the things that happen in them, the feelings that go through your head, the memories that happen the whole time, that you cant ever forget. its more difficult than you can imagine when a guy is standing infront of you, one that you became friends with, one that you miss so much, but when your around him you cant control your feelings. the feeling to touch him, the way he touched you. the feelings running through your head, from the last time that everything went right. i know why i miss him so much, two reasons:

one: the one that i never really realized, until a while back. he reminds me so much of the one i lost. i know i sound crazy when i say that he acts like him, like cole, but the way he is reminds me so much of him. he can make me smile in a heartbeat, with his gorgeous smile, and his blue eyes that always get caught in the light, and his brown hair, thats always covered with gel, but always looks so right. i miss cole, but this guy, reminds me too much of him to let me let him go.

second: the one that probably no one will understand, he makes me happy, he makes me smile. when i tell people that i have a wall around me, i dont think they understand, because how can you understand what its like to see so many people who can be close to you but you wont let them, because your scared, but you dont really know the true reason. with andrew he can let me put down that wall somewhat, he can let me have so much fun without even realizing what hes doing. hes so oblivious, that its funny. i miss him.

i know i wont ever be able to date him, no matter what i do. his girlfriend has him around her little pinky, he's at her beck and call. it sucks for him, he needs to be with someone who respects him, who doesnt get jealous so quickly. i know i wont date him, but that wont stop me from wanting to date him. i know i probably hurt him, and then i just let my feelings get in the way, i got hurt but he probably got hurt to, for that i am sorry.

remember the name

the past always comes back. it is something i have learned these past few days. one of the things that i have tried to forget, and for a long time i did forget. forgetting is an amazing thing, you never have to deal with the reasons behind forgetting. you just simply cant remember making you think everything is okay, even though it isnt. recently i remembered a guy that i fell in love with, even though i didnt know what love was then. i remember things like jealously, and running to him after summer vacation. i remember these things and yet i forget. cole is this guy, that now i cant get out of my mind.

sadly, this is now affecting my life, i think this is why i originally forget. it hurt so bad the day he told me he couldn't see me anymore. maybe thats why i forgot, to forget the pain. its affecting my life in the way that i cant have relationships with any guy, because i remember the feelings i had for cole. he was my bestfriend for four years, and now i want to find him, even though he may or may not remember me, or even wants to talk to me. i want him back, but i know that its not going to be what i pictured, it never is, because they are only dreams, and dreams like these rarely come true.

our song, i think

i hate hormones. right now everyday is changing with me one day i like this guy, because i think hes hot, and i just want that feeling, but the next day i look at him and dont know what i saw. like today my friend was talking about liking this guy, and another, and another, and im just thinking wow i dont even like anyone. i must be sad or really picky. for a few years i havent really liked the guys i saw because none of them have the right body style, even if that is petty of me. the body style i want is something you dont see everyday, which makes it so hard to axually like anyone. the guy i like is alot like the ones from the army, there tall they have muscles and they have a rough exterior like me. sadly i am one girl who likes alot of old fashioned stuff, i like it when guys show that everything is okay, that they can make me feel safe. it is what i want, but when i say it in my head, it sounds so petty.i want to love someone, i want to feel safe i want to say to someone he's mine, like he is going to do anything for me, but you cant ever have all of that together. maybe i am too picky. maybe i should just face it, its easier being on my own, but its what i crave, and when you dont feel safe, you crave it even more. i read the stories online all the time about love and procteviness, and the only thing that happened was i didnt believe it existed, ever. but somehow it has to right?

always

today has been a long one, full of happiness and sadness, like any day i guess. the thing is i like this one guy, his names nathien, and well the good part is that anytime he sees me he says hi, or nods his head at me, its amazing. the bad part about this is one of my bestfriends hates him, because he got her friend in trouble. along with the fact that my sister doesnt want me to like him, mainly because hes a player, and she doesnt want to see me get hurt.

i dont know why he appeals to me, i guess it has something to do with he is loud, and out there, or maybe because he talks alot and it wouldnt be awkward, or maybe its just being with a guy that has alot of friends and knows how to have a good time probably has alot to do with it. i guess the real reason is that he acuatlly notices me, alot more then most guys. most guys just look, and say she means nothing, or they just look right over my head, never noticing me. i guess its nice to be noticed every once in a while. i suprisingly like this feeling. i want to feel important to someone, like this, not like friends or family, just like a guy. i guess i want to feel like someone special. it hasn't ever happened to me where i just can say i am special, because im not usually. im the quiet, smart girl, who intimidates to many people, because of my rough exterior. the sad part about this is that once you know me, you learn that i get scared easily, and things hurt me, but i cant show it because of that, im too bottled up, but it works for me. sometimes im tired of being the girl no one notices, but its not like i can change it. i dont want to change my self, its gotten me this far,it can last me longer, i know that.

rest in peaces

i know i havent posted in a while, and im sorry life has been hectic lately, and i honestly haven't felt the need to write until just now. this last week has been a very long one, mainly because i've been getting bad dreams, and overall a bad feeling. do you know that feeling in your gut where you just know something is going to happen, you can just feel it, you just don't know when or what. this last week it has been happening to me. maybe thats the reason for me always staring off into space who knows. i was right, and i dont want to explain, its just something happened that i thought was over, and now it won't be done for another five to ten years. its going to effect my parents life greatly, and when it effects them it effects me. they go and visit him some, and i'm happy that they are, it's just i really don't want to go and visit him, but i know if i do that i wont see him for a long time. i dont know what to do, my gut says one thing, but logically it says another. i know that who ever is reading is probably confused, its just i need to write, and i need to let this out i just dont want to explain the whole story, its too complicated for me to rewrite, and some how explain in my head.

Emotionless

redo. its something we all wish we could do. with the test we bombed, with the friends we lost, with are whole lives basically. ive wanted to redo my whole childhood, because then maybe i would be closer with my parents, maybe i would trust people more, maybe i would be outgoing like i used, hell maybe i would show emotion like every one else.

im no longer as close to my parents as i want, origanilly, i was like glue to them, they just mattered so much to me, but then i made a lot of mistakes, and i lost them. i blamed my parents for feelings i couldnt place. i didnt like that they worked all the time to support us. i didnt understand then why my mom, and dad were constantly working, the only thing i understood was that mommy, and daddy are at work, and im at my grandmothers. when my parents started to get a regular work schedule, things got easier, but i wasnt apart of the family, until a year after of so, until i really forgave my parents. there isnt any tension between us, just, i think i could be closer to them.

whenever i was a lot younger, i was the life of a party, i would always go up to people shake there hands, and just have fun, now i cant do that. i cant show emotion around really anyone. if i show emotion, it means, to me, a weakness inside. my friend tells me, it doesnt mean weakness it means your human, but to me, human hurts too much. if im strong on the outside, i can make it look like nothing hurts me. that nothing will ever hurt me, and most of the time i believe it. i believe that nothing will hurt me. so far, only once have i been proven wrong by this lie. only once, and the sad part is i did it to myself. about a week ago i had a really bad dream. the dream was so vivid, that i didnt know i was dreaming it, i thought it was real. it took me five minutes to tell myself, it wasnt happening. in the dream, me, my sister, and nazzi, a friend of the familys thats like my sister, were all lieing in a bed, waiting for a guy, to rape us. i remeber it so visually. the part that scared me, is that in that i wasnt strong, i wasnt the person i thought i was. i was just a scared little girl, and the only thing i felt was fear. fear that he would rape me, i couldnt move. it still has me scared, but now im not scared of the dream, im scared, that i lied to myself so well, that i believed my lie. i made myself believe that nothing could touch me, and then a dream proves me wrong. this dream proved one thing, im not strong, i cant defend people, if i had a choice i would run, leaving them there, and the only thing i would be able to think about is the overwhelming fear, not my sister, not my friends. thats what scares me the most, that i would be that inconsiderate. i would run away to make myself safe, and forget about them, the people i would die for. right now, i cant imagine putting them in danger, or not getting them out, but as i look at the facts, i realize the truth.

no one knows that im weak, because i dont let them, most people think im strong, and stubborn, never scared. thats the way i am. for the longest time i havent been able to show emotion, like everyone else. i cant just smile or cry, because feelings are weaknesses, to me. not to everyone else, but for me, it probably will always be that way, because if you show emotion you make mistakes. mistakes are costly.

so many times i wish i could forget the past, but i cant, it haunts me everyday, because i put my parents through the ringer, and it made me, someone no one truly knows. that is the saddest part of my life, no one will ever know the true me.

addicted

today, i have spent the day with my bestfriend talking about life, and everything else. it was one of the funnest days i have had this summer. there was no stress of someone freaking out, it was all just relaxed. we could go from subject with ease, even when we hit the hard subjects. the bad thing is she doesnt understand why i cant open up to people, or it might be that i never took the time to explain it. i cant open up to people for many reasons, one they leave as soon as something hard comes up. the next reason is that they think im weak, with my friends im always the one who listens when someone cries there eyes out, or when they just need to talk about something sad. i have always been that friend, who could support in the time of need, and make everything easier just by listening, and making them realize what there situation acutually is. they then can come up with a solution easier. it amazes me how easily i can make them feel better, but how much i cant help myself, no matter how bad i need it. i cant depend on people, i cant let people get close, the closest someone has been is vic, and even with her i hold back. i cant open up to people, because i know that i could hurt them. worse then they are hurting. i know i worry my friends, about alot of stuff, and a lot of the time i wish i didnt tell them, because now im making them hurt over me.

today, one of the hard topics was about my addiction. my friend thought i was cutting my self, but when i told her it wasn't she wanted to know, but i can barely tell myself, so how can you tell someone else. when you have done something, that you cant stop, that you know you shouldn't do, but its so hard to end it. when you have tried cold turkey, when you have tried telling yourself skip this night, save it for another, and it all doesn't work. you know your in trouble, but you cant admit, that you have a problem. you cant admit to something that is so stupid, so embarssing because you cant make yourself stop from wanting that feeling. i've told one person part of it, because she guessed, and i told her a little bit more. plus she caught me after i went seven days without it, she pushed me to the ninth, and then i cracked. i had to do it. on the day i was with her, i was so jittery, and so jumpy, that i couldnt control my tapping, my gazing eyes, searching everywhere, but what was in front of me. you cant tell a friend what you do, when you have given up on yourself, in the fight for your body back, for your brain, and everything else. you cant admit a weakness like that. i cant admit that im weak, because when your weak, you make mistakes, you lose friends, and you show people that you arent the person they thought you were. i cant dissapoint people when they expect so much from me. i cant show that im diffrent then what i seem. when you get to know me im shy, and scared, but then i become this outgoing person thats stubborn, and everything else, but most people leave before they see the real me.

the last thing i have to say, is something that i cant do in person, because i would show a lot of emotion, and i cant do that, that easily. i am sorry. i am sorry to my friends who know something is going on, and i cant tell you. the only thing i can tell you, is that i wish i wasnt causing you pain. i wish you didnt have to see me broken. i shouldnt be broken, i should just be a kid, but because of my past i cant be yet, i have to break a cycle, and i dont know how to. im sorry. i dont know how many times i have to say it, to make the regret im feeling right now. if i could have a do over of this last i wouldnt have told you, i wouldnt make you feel pain. im so sorry. i will always be there for you, but you dont have to be there for me, even though i know you will be. dont take offense when i cant tell you something, it is my way of ignoring the facts. the facts that i have something wrong with me. im sorry. forgive me.