Emotionless

redo. its something we all wish we could do. with the test we bombed, with the friends we lost, with are whole lives basically. ive wanted to redo my whole childhood, because then maybe i would be closer with my parents, maybe i would trust people more, maybe i would be outgoing like i used, hell maybe i would show emotion like every one else.

im no longer as close to my parents as i want, origanilly, i was like glue to them, they just mattered so much to me, but then i made a lot of mistakes, and i lost them. i blamed my parents for feelings i couldnt place. i didnt like that they worked all the time to support us. i didnt understand then why my mom, and dad were constantly working, the only thing i understood was that mommy, and daddy are at work, and im at my grandmothers. when my parents started to get a regular work schedule, things got easier, but i wasnt apart of the family, until a year after of so, until i really forgave my parents. there isnt any tension between us, just, i think i could be closer to them.

whenever i was a lot younger, i was the life of a party, i would always go up to people shake there hands, and just have fun, now i cant do that. i cant show emotion around really anyone. if i show emotion, it means, to me, a weakness inside. my friend tells me, it doesnt mean weakness it means your human, but to me, human hurts too much. if im strong on the outside, i can make it look like nothing hurts me. that nothing will ever hurt me, and most of the time i believe it. i believe that nothing will hurt me. so far, only once have i been proven wrong by this lie. only once, and the sad part is i did it to myself. about a week ago i had a really bad dream. the dream was so vivid, that i didnt know i was dreaming it, i thought it was real. it took me five minutes to tell myself, it wasnt happening. in the dream, me, my sister, and nazzi, a friend of the familys thats like my sister, were all lieing in a bed, waiting for a guy, to rape us. i remeber it so visually. the part that scared me, is that in that i wasnt strong, i wasnt the person i thought i was. i was just a scared little girl, and the only thing i felt was fear. fear that he would rape me, i couldnt move. it still has me scared, but now im not scared of the dream, im scared, that i lied to myself so well, that i believed my lie. i made myself believe that nothing could touch me, and then a dream proves me wrong. this dream proved one thing, im not strong, i cant defend people, if i had a choice i would run, leaving them there, and the only thing i would be able to think about is the overwhelming fear, not my sister, not my friends. thats what scares me the most, that i would be that inconsiderate. i would run away to make myself safe, and forget about them, the people i would die for. right now, i cant imagine putting them in danger, or not getting them out, but as i look at the facts, i realize the truth.

no one knows that im weak, because i dont let them, most people think im strong, and stubborn, never scared. thats the way i am. for the longest time i havent been able to show emotion, like everyone else. i cant just smile or cry, because feelings are weaknesses, to me. not to everyone else, but for me, it probably will always be that way, because if you show emotion you make mistakes. mistakes are costly.

so many times i wish i could forget the past, but i cant, it haunts me everyday, because i put my parents through the ringer, and it made me, someone no one truly knows. that is the saddest part of my life, no one will ever know the true me.