always

today has been a long one, full of happiness and sadness, like any day i guess. the thing is i like this one guy, his names nathien, and well the good part is that anytime he sees me he says hi, or nods his head at me, its amazing. the bad part about this is one of my bestfriends hates him, because he got her friend in trouble. along with the fact that my sister doesnt want me to like him, mainly because hes a player, and she doesnt want to see me get hurt.

i dont know why he appeals to me, i guess it has something to do with he is loud, and out there, or maybe because he talks alot and it wouldnt be awkward, or maybe its just being with a guy that has alot of friends and knows how to have a good time probably has alot to do with it. i guess the real reason is that he acuatlly notices me, alot more then most guys. most guys just look, and say she means nothing, or they just look right over my head, never noticing me. i guess its nice to be noticed every once in a while. i suprisingly like this feeling. i want to feel important to someone, like this, not like friends or family, just like a guy. i guess i want to feel like someone special. it hasn't ever happened to me where i just can say i am special, because im not usually. im the quiet, smart girl, who intimidates to many people, because of my rough exterior. the sad part about this is that once you know me, you learn that i get scared easily, and things hurt me, but i cant show it because of that, im too bottled up, but it works for me. sometimes im tired of being the girl no one notices, but its not like i can change it. i dont want to change my self, its gotten me this far,it can last me longer, i know that.

rest in peaces

i know i havent posted in a while, and im sorry life has been hectic lately, and i honestly haven't felt the need to write until just now. this last week has been a very long one, mainly because i've been getting bad dreams, and overall a bad feeling. do you know that feeling in your gut where you just know something is going to happen, you can just feel it, you just don't know when or what. this last week it has been happening to me. maybe thats the reason for me always staring off into space who knows. i was right, and i dont want to explain, its just something happened that i thought was over, and now it won't be done for another five to ten years. its going to effect my parents life greatly, and when it effects them it effects me. they go and visit him some, and i'm happy that they are, it's just i really don't want to go and visit him, but i know if i do that i wont see him for a long time. i dont know what to do, my gut says one thing, but logically it says another. i know that who ever is reading is probably confused, its just i need to write, and i need to let this out i just dont want to explain the whole story, its too complicated for me to rewrite, and some how explain in my head.