remember the name

the past always comes back. it is something i have learned these past few days. one of the things that i have tried to forget, and for a long time i did forget. forgetting is an amazing thing, you never have to deal with the reasons behind forgetting. you just simply cant remember making you think everything is okay, even though it isnt. recently i remembered a guy that i fell in love with, even though i didnt know what love was then. i remember things like jealously, and running to him after summer vacation. i remember these things and yet i forget. cole is this guy, that now i cant get out of my mind.

sadly, this is now affecting my life, i think this is why i originally forget. it hurt so bad the day he told me he couldn't see me anymore. maybe thats why i forgot, to forget the pain. its affecting my life in the way that i cant have relationships with any guy, because i remember the feelings i had for cole. he was my bestfriend for four years, and now i want to find him, even though he may or may not remember me, or even wants to talk to me. i want him back, but i know that its not going to be what i pictured, it never is, because they are only dreams, and dreams like these rarely come true.

our song, i think

i hate hormones. right now everyday is changing with me one day i like this guy, because i think hes hot, and i just want that feeling, but the next day i look at him and dont know what i saw. like today my friend was talking about liking this guy, and another, and another, and im just thinking wow i dont even like anyone. i must be sad or really picky. for a few years i havent really liked the guys i saw because none of them have the right body style, even if that is petty of me. the body style i want is something you dont see everyday, which makes it so hard to axually like anyone. the guy i like is alot like the ones from the army, there tall they have muscles and they have a rough exterior like me. sadly i am one girl who likes alot of old fashioned stuff, i like it when guys show that everything is okay, that they can make me feel safe. it is what i want, but when i say it in my head, it sounds so petty.i want to love someone, i want to feel safe i want to say to someone he's mine, like he is going to do anything for me, but you cant ever have all of that together. maybe i am too picky. maybe i should just face it, its easier being on my own, but its what i crave, and when you dont feel safe, you crave it even more. i read the stories online all the time about love and procteviness, and the only thing that happened was i didnt believe it existed, ever. but somehow it has to right?