how to save a life

well the one thing i said about this being a long week, i was wrong it was a very long week, very long. the only thing it did for me was give me alot of time to think, about life, about guys, about the future, everything. the night before i left i went on a date. on this date i found out that he wasnt who he said he was. he hid a certain part that scared me. one of the only things im scared of, like deathly scared of, is men and there needs, and when they dont get those needs easily they take it. thats what scared me, because im not getting into that kind of predidcatment. i told him that night i couldnt see him anymore, and the way he was attached, hes scared me so bad, that i wont get attached to anyone for a very long time.

this week was very opening and yet backtracking. this week i learned that i dont need a guy, but what i found after that was that i still depend on people. my family has a lot of people that are just sorta of thrown in, because they are so close. i have four people that are like my dads. ive gotten so close to them this weekend, and im scared im getting attached. the one thing in life ive learned is never become attached to anyone, because they will hurt you, or you will hurt them. so as im getting closer, as im becoming more trusting of them, im scared that im going to get hurt again. i cant trust people, thats why i run from relationships, because i will get hurt, by them, or by the guilt. i cant cause people pain,thats why im always in pain, emotionally and physically. thats why i hate depending on people. this week i bonded to the one guy i wasnt that close to. the reason i trusted him so much after this week is because his demeanor reminds like my dad is, he is protecting, and he can make me calm down so easily, because he is used to kids or something. as everyday passes, i get closer to people, now the only thing i fear is what the people in the future hold.

for everyday the wind stands still, cherish it.

if you know what this means, then you have felt this. the feeling of complete bliss, even though things aren't perfect around you. right now i just feel at so much peace, because the guy i like finally asked me out. he keeps telling me to tell him anything, but its so hard, we haven't even been together a day. thats why i am scared. i am not good at commentments. i have always ran away, but now i am fighting all those feelings, and stay here. this is where i want to stay, and i want to trust him, but how can you trust someone right off the bat. there are some things that i'm dealing with now, and i can't tell anyone. i have told one person part of it, and mentioned it here. but i can't tell someone about all of it. they would freak if they found out, no matter what they say, they will. i'm not normal. right now i'm at complete bliss, but the storm is still raging on, inside of my head. when everything stops for a second it will pick up speed in a matter of minutes. i am were i want to be, well i want something more, but i'm scared about how long this will last.

this will be my last post for over a week, sorry. i'm going on vacation, and i'm only slightly excited. wish me luck, this is going to be a long week.

boulverad of broken dreams

you know what pisses me off, is when someone says they love you, and they don't even know a thing about you. in the last day i was told by my ex boyfriend that he loves me, but the thing is all he knew about me was i played soccer. basically all of my friends know that, that is the first thing they learn about me, because its the one thing, besides people, that i care for. he didn't know why my best friends where who they were. he didn't know what my dreams where, or what i was scared of. and yet he still thinks he can say he loves me. he is an idiot, and i hate him. everytime i get a text from him i go oh, shit. what is he going to say know. he has caused me so much pain. its hard for me to even like a guy anymore. the main reason how he hurt me is simple, he didn't care, and every time i put myself out there a little he hurt me. telling me that was a good kiss. ya dude, thanks for saying i sucked at kissing. the one thing i have learned in the last week is simple, no matter what you do you will get hurt. no matter what preventatives you take you can't make the pain stop. the pain of feeling embarrassed, and everything else. in my head i think logically, never emotionally, except for this, guys. are we ever supposed to think logically with guys, because if we are, i have failed miserably. the last thing he texted me, is the thing that scares me so much, he told me if i wrote something wrong, i'm dead. just so you know i don't get scared easily, its just i dont trust people, and when he threatened me, i just didnt react well. the sad thing is i have to make sure things turn out right, or he might go after my friends. my friends are the one thing that stops me in my tracks. if you mention them, about them hurting, or about to be hurt, i would trade my life to make sure they are okay. it puts so much strain on me, but i dont care. i know thats a sad thing to say because i neglect my self so much, going through so much emotional stuff, that hurts so bad, but i cant hurt them, and i cant let them feel the constant pain i do. i may think logically but, there is always something emotional going on inside me, that makes me think logically, because if i acted on the emotions i would be left with nothing. if i could make one wish, it would be to have someone by my side that would protect me, because im tired of the pain and the sadness, i just want feel safe for once.

why?

one of my friends told me i write important things in my posts, that there inspiring, and everything else. i dont know why people have said that i do this, i just write what i feel, and what life means to me. life means so much, but we dont realize that life is something we take for granted. everyone treats life like we have another future, that we can have a do over, but we don't. when we realize we dont have a do over, we change everything in our lives. we cause change in the way we act, speak, and everything else, just because we think we can make our lives last longer, than what we have left. when we realize that we make a mistake that could cost our own lives, our own freedom, we do one of two things. we fight like hell to stay alive, or we give up completly, to death, to jail, to anyone just simply because were tired of fighting life. when we give up on life we have run out of things to live for. i live for everything, for my friends, my family, my team, and then for thinking that i can make someones life a little better. even if it is just mowing there lawn, or washing there dog. it is making there life a little better. there are some people in this world that have given up on life, so they make mistakes, and they have to deal with the consequences, some deal with it by fighting while others deal with it by giving up, and hoping that death comes quickly. now is your turn to choose, win your fighting a battle of your life you can fight and win, or you can give up and never see life again. this is the two roads we all have to choose from, a lot of people give up, but more fight, some win, while others never find happiness. it is up to you.

i dont really know why i was writing this, mabey because i believe that too many people have given up, or mabey because my grandfather is willingly giving up his freedom for a mistake he made, and he doesnt want to fight anymore. i am scared that he will do what many countless people before him have done, and just make it that death comes quicker, than later. as i think about him i know i can make it, because i never want to make my parents scared that i might give up. i will always fight for what i believe in. what i believe in is simple LIFE.life, will always be there, and you can never forget it, because you are always living it.

complicated

i dont really know why im posting, i guess i just wanted to type. today i am having a really sluggish day. i went for six days of not doing my addiction, and then i cracked, and i dont know why. i guess the pressure, and the need got to much of me. in my life i am ruled by logic, that is how i think, that is how i act, that is how i fight, but this is not logical, i dont know why i need it, i just do. i hate it. now the only person i have told, has left on vacation, which means i cant talk to her. im so scared that i will do it again, but i know, that i have to stop, and somehow i will.

right now i am putting more music on my ipod, and just thinking about my life, what i wil do, how i will accomplish it, and the ifs in life. what i want right now is so sketchy, that i dont know what i want, i know that i want a family, with a husband, but thats it. my mind is torn between fighting for my country, or saving it. i am down to either joining the military, or becoming a doctor. my mind is split, because my logical side says that the army will just end up getting you killed, but my curiosty is winning a little bit. everytime i see anything to do with the army i am instantly drawn to it, movies, books, internet, recuiters, whatever it is, i am interested in. then, i have my other part of the brain, the medical. it pays a lot of money i would be able to support a family, and satisfy my curiosty of the human body. that is where i am at, either go with logic completly, and be a doctor, or satisfy my curiosty and join the army. whatever i choose i cant back out of, that is what i am scared of. i dont do commitments that well, unless its like an assighnement for school, that is easy, but commentments to friends sometimes is harder.

yesterday one of my friends called me up to talk, and she was having a bad day. for thirty minutes i got to listen to her describe her problem. of how her online guy, the one she trusts, and the one in real life, and which one she should choose. when she talks to me about this, it is hard for me to keep my head, because i dont believe in online relationships at all. i believe that you meet someone face to face first, and then you can talk online after. doing that is fine with me, but being friends with people online scares me. i try to keep my head with her, but the whole time i want to tell her, that she is being stupid, talking to that many people online, and getting so close with them that you have to choose between real life, and the internet. it hurts me so much when i see her like this, because she is going to go through so much pain, because she will wait around for ever for him. no matter what she does she will wait, wait for him, and continue to deal with the pain. it is painful to see one of your best friends go through this. i dont know what to do anymore. my logical part says you dont need to be a part of her life, because she is going to be in pain, and cause you so much greif and hardship, but the other side says, you will never leave someone to fend for themselves, and i wont. im at an intersection, and i dont know which way to go for anything anymore. lately ive been leaping too much, without looking, and know im dealing with all the consequences.

the only good thing in my life is that i have the greatest friends, family, and soccer team i could ever imagine. i gave up once, and i never will again. i will make it through. i will make it. i will, no matter, the pain, the brouises or whatever comes my way, i will face it head on. i will survive on my own, with no one by my side, i will stand strong.

fall for you

these last two days have been some of the most opening, yet extremly painful. yesterday i told a secret that i had never had told before, i only told her part of it. it was painful to do, but it would have been more painful to not to. this has been tearing inside of me for so long. when i told her i was happy, but yet scared that she would tell someone. this is an addiction, and the only reason im attempting to stop is for a guy, because he wont want me messed up. that is were im at right now.

the next thing that i will be alot more open with, because it is something most girls go through. today it hit me hard, girls you know what i mean when say you feel like an extra string. today i went to six flags with four friends, two girls two guys, and me. two of them i knew would bond, and be insepereble, but the other one i wasnt expecting at all. these two people, who i thought would have never trusted each other, bonded so well. as i watched them run together in the rain, or when he would buy her stuff, and share it with her, or when they would be walking down the street intertwined in each others arms, it hurt me to see. it hurts me to watch them being so happy, and me so not. sadly, today i wished i had my old boyfriend, my ex just simply so i could pretend to be happy, and be lovey dubby with them. i know that is sad, but i wanted it, and as soon as that feeling came i hated it. i hated it so much, he never hurt me, but the things he said and did still make me question what that relationship was about. right now, if i could have one wish it would be simple, if i could hang out with austin, the guy that has made me somewhat happy, and mabey things could be like mel, and jacob, so easy, and yet so joyful. thats what i want, but i dont think he wants any part of it.love sucks, especially, when you want it so much. why do we want love so much? why do we want the feeling of safeness, and security? why cant we just depend on ourselves?

stronger

in my life i wish i could be stronger in every aspect. i wish i could hide the pain im feeling right now, but i cant. i just got a call from my best friend telling me she was hugging the guy she likes, and she is wearing his shirt that is now his. as she is telling me this, you could hear my voice get lower and lower. all i wanted to do was cry, as she told me how much fun she had with him. i want someone near me, so i wont feel like this anymore. the other part of me, is saying i should never feel this way, i should never want this, i should just want to show people im strong, but inside im not. the one guy that i like, wont like me. he gave me a hug and thats it. he also texted me, but thats it. i want to spend more time with him, but im scared that he will realize that im not worth his time. every guy has realized that so far. like i said vic, you dont want this power, people like you at the begging then forget you exist.

as i sit writing about a wish i could have, i realize more and more im not strong enough. im not strong enough to survive on my own, and as i realize i cant i know someone is doing it, and im cursing at myself, blaming myself, that i cant do it. the main reason im scared right now is that, im scared that in my life i will always be depe nding on someone. that scares me more than anything. when i was younger i was taught always depend on yourself, never others, and now i cant depend on myself, im just weak. i cant support myself right this second, right this minute, right this hour. i want to depend on someone, but i know that it has a terrible cost, i will be scared that i will always depend on them. that is what scares me the most, and i wish i wasnt scared anymore. as i sit here typing tears pour out, the first ive cried in years, because this is the first time i wasnt strong enough to pull through one night. one night of pain, and suffering.

a thousand miles

right now i'm sitting in my room, like usual, trying to figure out how to get logged into my hotmail. all i have done is gotten my self locked out of it. i hate computers right now. there annoying. everything i do to them, ends up either breaking them or locking me out. ugh i hate it.

in my life everything is going good, but not great. it could be great if my mom got off my back. i mean she is constantly getting on my back about school and soccer, saying that i should be training every single day, and studying everyday, thenkfully its summer. but she is still on me about not getting higher then a 90, that is my best in those classes. one of the thing that sucks for me, that my sister is envious of me, it is something so stupid. i am the one child my parents are depending on to make something with there life. how many times have been refered to as the perfect child. im the one that is supposed to be a doctor, and marry when im thirty. im not supposed to have boyfriends, and all my friends are supposed to be perfect, with no flaw. my sister says she wishes she was like this, but how can you want that much stress on you. it is so hard. im supposed to be perfect, and i cant be. i just want someone to say its okay to not be perfect, and that you arent disspointing anyone when you mess up.

love story

people say that everything will work out. i don't see how. i sit in my room writing about my life, the life i wish i could fix. today i was hugged by one guy who never hugs anyone, and another guy was offering to put a bag on my shoulders. one of these guys i like, the way he looks, acts, especially his eyes, but i dont want to make it complicated, which means i have to make things complicated for me. most people wont understand what that means, and i dont want to explain it. my friend told me today, that i have a power, one that i wish i didn't have. the power to make guys like me. she says she wants this power, but how can you like this power when the only thing on your mind, is a long relationship, not one that is for a week. that is what i want, but when im with friends, i let them think im okay, inside, and out. but the truth is, im not okay. im not happy. im not complete. everyone wants some sort of belonging, ive found that in soccer, family, friends, but the one thing i do want is a relationship, someone i can depend on. that is one thing i probably will never find.

in my life depending on someone, meant depending on yourself. i dont want that anymore. i want someone to take charge, because im so scared that i wont get somewhere, or i'll screw up, but really, im tired. im tired of being the girl that everyone depends on. the one that is strong, that never has any problems. the truth is i do have problems, i just dont let people know it. one thing about me, is that im attached to my friends, but none of them will guess. im extremly clingy, but never do they know. i want peace right now. i try to be who i am, but i want something, that i shouldnt have yet. i shouldnt want love, and acceptance from a guy that matters to me. but i do, and im scared that this feeling will never go away, until it is satsified, which will be a long time, because i wil never find the truth, about me.

dreaming of perfection

i wrote this a long time ago when all i wanted was to be happy, but i knew that this part wouldn't happen for me. so i wrote what was on my mind then and there.

A girl walks the halls,
Dressed in her best.
Trying to catch a glimpse,
Of the guy she see’s every night.
She dreams every night,
That protection will come.
Just by having him nearby.
Knowing it will never happen,
She lays down,
For one last dream,
Before she gives up.

that's not my name

right now, i am sitting on my bed taking a break from cleaning my room. today alone i have to study for a science test, clean my room, and go train for soccer. finals are going to be easy, i just have to study for them, or else i will have my parents to answer to. that is a very scary thing. in this last week i have found out so much about myself, and also proved to myself what i already knew. in this last week i learned, that i can be myself and still have friends. i learned that no matter what i do they will stay by my side. this last week i let myself go, and acted the way i wish i could act, and they accepted me. i am so happy right now, there aren't even words. another thing that i learned is that, just because life doesn't go perfect, there is still a reason to be happy. the future, friends, family, and of course, summer. i learned how to be optimistic, and for me, that is an amazing feat, i am not optimistic, usually, and now i am, i like this feeling. i dont think i want to change.