fall for you

these last two days have been some of the most opening, yet extremly painful. yesterday i told a secret that i had never had told before, i only told her part of it. it was painful to do, but it would have been more painful to not to. this has been tearing inside of me for so long. when i told her i was happy, but yet scared that she would tell someone. this is an addiction, and the only reason im attempting to stop is for a guy, because he wont want me messed up. that is were im at right now.

the next thing that i will be alot more open with, because it is something most girls go through. today it hit me hard, girls you know what i mean when say you feel like an extra string. today i went to six flags with four friends, two girls two guys, and me. two of them i knew would bond, and be insepereble, but the other one i wasnt expecting at all. these two people, who i thought would have never trusted each other, bonded so well. as i watched them run together in the rain, or when he would buy her stuff, and share it with her, or when they would be walking down the street intertwined in each others arms, it hurt me to see. it hurts me to watch them being so happy, and me so not. sadly, today i wished i had my old boyfriend, my ex just simply so i could pretend to be happy, and be lovey dubby with them. i know that is sad, but i wanted it, and as soon as that feeling came i hated it. i hated it so much, he never hurt me, but the things he said and did still make me question what that relationship was about. right now, if i could have one wish it would be simple, if i could hang out with austin, the guy that has made me somewhat happy, and mabey things could be like mel, and jacob, so easy, and yet so joyful. thats what i want, but i dont think he wants any part of it.love sucks, especially, when you want it so much. why do we want love so much? why do we want the feeling of safeness, and security? why cant we just depend on ourselves?