complicated

i dont really know why im posting, i guess i just wanted to type. today i am having a really sluggish day. i went for six days of not doing my addiction, and then i cracked, and i dont know why. i guess the pressure, and the need got to much of me. in my life i am ruled by logic, that is how i think, that is how i act, that is how i fight, but this is not logical, i dont know why i need it, i just do. i hate it. now the only person i have told, has left on vacation, which means i cant talk to her. im so scared that i will do it again, but i know, that i have to stop, and somehow i will.

right now i am putting more music on my ipod, and just thinking about my life, what i wil do, how i will accomplish it, and the ifs in life. what i want right now is so sketchy, that i dont know what i want, i know that i want a family, with a husband, but thats it. my mind is torn between fighting for my country, or saving it. i am down to either joining the military, or becoming a doctor. my mind is split, because my logical side says that the army will just end up getting you killed, but my curiosty is winning a little bit. everytime i see anything to do with the army i am instantly drawn to it, movies, books, internet, recuiters, whatever it is, i am interested in. then, i have my other part of the brain, the medical. it pays a lot of money i would be able to support a family, and satisfy my curiosty of the human body. that is where i am at, either go with logic completly, and be a doctor, or satisfy my curiosty and join the army. whatever i choose i cant back out of, that is what i am scared of. i dont do commitments that well, unless its like an assighnement for school, that is easy, but commentments to friends sometimes is harder.

yesterday one of my friends called me up to talk, and she was having a bad day. for thirty minutes i got to listen to her describe her problem. of how her online guy, the one she trusts, and the one in real life, and which one she should choose. when she talks to me about this, it is hard for me to keep my head, because i dont believe in online relationships at all. i believe that you meet someone face to face first, and then you can talk online after. doing that is fine with me, but being friends with people online scares me. i try to keep my head with her, but the whole time i want to tell her, that she is being stupid, talking to that many people online, and getting so close with them that you have to choose between real life, and the internet. it hurts me so much when i see her like this, because she is going to go through so much pain, because she will wait around for ever for him. no matter what she does she will wait, wait for him, and continue to deal with the pain. it is painful to see one of your best friends go through this. i dont know what to do anymore. my logical part says you dont need to be a part of her life, because she is going to be in pain, and cause you so much greif and hardship, but the other side says, you will never leave someone to fend for themselves, and i wont. im at an intersection, and i dont know which way to go for anything anymore. lately ive been leaping too much, without looking, and know im dealing with all the consequences.

the only good thing in my life is that i have the greatest friends, family, and soccer team i could ever imagine. i gave up once, and i never will again. i will make it through. i will make it. i will, no matter, the pain, the brouises or whatever comes my way, i will face it head on. i will survive on my own, with no one by my side, i will stand strong.