addicted

today, i have spent the day with my bestfriend talking about life, and everything else. it was one of the funnest days i have had this summer. there was no stress of someone freaking out, it was all just relaxed. we could go from subject with ease, even when we hit the hard subjects. the bad thing is she doesnt understand why i cant open up to people, or it might be that i never took the time to explain it. i cant open up to people for many reasons, one they leave as soon as something hard comes up. the next reason is that they think im weak, with my friends im always the one who listens when someone cries there eyes out, or when they just need to talk about something sad. i have always been that friend, who could support in the time of need, and make everything easier just by listening, and making them realize what there situation acutually is. they then can come up with a solution easier. it amazes me how easily i can make them feel better, but how much i cant help myself, no matter how bad i need it. i cant depend on people, i cant let people get close, the closest someone has been is vic, and even with her i hold back. i cant open up to people, because i know that i could hurt them. worse then they are hurting. i know i worry my friends, about alot of stuff, and a lot of the time i wish i didnt tell them, because now im making them hurt over me.

today, one of the hard topics was about my addiction. my friend thought i was cutting my self, but when i told her it wasn't she wanted to know, but i can barely tell myself, so how can you tell someone else. when you have done something, that you cant stop, that you know you shouldn't do, but its so hard to end it. when you have tried cold turkey, when you have tried telling yourself skip this night, save it for another, and it all doesn't work. you know your in trouble, but you cant admit, that you have a problem. you cant admit to something that is so stupid, so embarssing because you cant make yourself stop from wanting that feeling. i've told one person part of it, because she guessed, and i told her a little bit more. plus she caught me after i went seven days without it, she pushed me to the ninth, and then i cracked. i had to do it. on the day i was with her, i was so jittery, and so jumpy, that i couldnt control my tapping, my gazing eyes, searching everywhere, but what was in front of me. you cant tell a friend what you do, when you have given up on yourself, in the fight for your body back, for your brain, and everything else. you cant admit a weakness like that. i cant admit that im weak, because when your weak, you make mistakes, you lose friends, and you show people that you arent the person they thought you were. i cant dissapoint people when they expect so much from me. i cant show that im diffrent then what i seem. when you get to know me im shy, and scared, but then i become this outgoing person thats stubborn, and everything else, but most people leave before they see the real me.

the last thing i have to say, is something that i cant do in person, because i would show a lot of emotion, and i cant do that, that easily. i am sorry. i am sorry to my friends who know something is going on, and i cant tell you. the only thing i can tell you, is that i wish i wasnt causing you pain. i wish you didnt have to see me broken. i shouldnt be broken, i should just be a kid, but because of my past i cant be yet, i have to break a cycle, and i dont know how to. im sorry. i dont know how many times i have to say it, to make the regret im feeling right now. if i could have a do over of this last i wouldnt have told you, i wouldnt make you feel pain. im so sorry. i will always be there for you, but you dont have to be there for me, even though i know you will be. dont take offense when i cant tell you something, it is my way of ignoring the facts. the facts that i have something wrong with me. im sorry. forgive me.

saving me

why is it that people think life is easy, that everything will turn out okay? what about all the people that comment suicide will everything turn out right for them. i dont really know how to put what im thinking right now. i guess it has something to do with life, mixed with love. can people live with out love, or do they just wash away day by day? i want to know if someone can survive on their own, with no one beside them just themselves, and there wits. or do we have to have someone beside us, saying i love you, and ill care for you, forever. in the last few months i have been told the same thing, i love you. but the sad part of it, is they dont know me. they dont know anything about me, and yet they love me. i dont see how this is possible. for me it takes months sometimes years, for me even to say your my friend. if you last with me that long, i would die for you, because you would matter to me.

how is it that someone you barely know can say those words, that mean so much, like it doesnt matter. they dont realize what those words mean. i have never told a guy i love you, because i cant get close to them, because it takes me so long to become friends with someone, that most people give up on that feeling. it is so hard to see someone you like walk away because you arent ready. but i guess it all turns out well because you never have to be hurt. if they cant wait for you, then they arent worth it.

this past year i have learned so much, about me, life, love. i first learned that you cant just say i love you like it means nothing, then i found out love is complicated, its not you find a guy and you can just wing it. it doesnt that way, you have to work for it, and sometimes, most of the times your let down. the next thing i found out, is that no matter how much you want time to stop, to just make it last a little bit longer, it wont, because life always goes on, no matter what you do. the last thing i learned and probably the most important, never change your self, never think that you need someone to live with you, and always belive in your self.

Tears of an angel

god damint im so pissed. why cant i have one day that is completly good, with no times that i dont want to kill someone. yesterday and today was the same way. yesterday, i was hanging with friends, and then suddenly everything went down hill when one of my good friends asked about a particular thing that i never wanted to tell her. i never wanted to tell her about the way i felt when she said she wanted to die, or when she told me she cut herself. when she would tell me these things, i was in pain, because i think i put her there, or that, i just wasnt there for her enough, and she just wanted to kill herself, because i wasnt strong enough for her. thats what scares me, not being strong enough for my friends. i have to be strong for them, thats why i can barely ever be weak around them, thats why i cant depend on people. when this person asked me what i wanted to tell mercedes she brought this up, and i nearly cried, because i dont ever want people knowing there hurting me. i dont ever want anyone knowing that im hurting. i have to be strong, because if im not strong for myself, how can i take care of the people closest to me.

today was more of a repeat of something that happened in the past. in the past i trusted my sister, and she told my parents about a guy. i knew nothing would become of him, so i didnt tell my parents of it. well when they told them, they were suprised, and dissapointed all at the same time. i cant stand to dissapoint my parents its so hard. tonight, she learned of me knowing a guy that offered me pot, and what does she do, she goes and tell mom and dad. tonight all she did was prove once again, that if you tell her anything make sure that the parents already know about it. she has lost my trust, and i dont give my trust easily, and now it will be harder then ever to gain it. im sorry to those people that want to be a friend, but you will have to work hard, because im not letting someone in, that will just turn and stab me in the back, that has happened so many times, that i have a wall built around me. a wall that is growing and growing in strength, as everyday someone hurts me once again. it went down for this past year and i was hurt, so it will come back up, because im tired of feeling hurt, and used by everyone. im tired of feeling like im not good enough for people. why is it that when life gets harder we retreat into ourselves? why is it that we dont depend on the ones around us? all of the whys in life will never be answered, until we experience it, and learn. we will always be learning, it is just up to us, what we learn, and which lessons we remember.

californication

today has been one of my best in a long time. for once i wasnt worried about my future, or my parents i was just worried about my self, and what i wanted. what i want is simple, friends, and soccer. something that goes hand in hand, most of the time. today i trained for an hour at goal keeping practice, and finally relaxed with tom, my keeper trainer. for me to ever relax with someone is so rare. i finally told my self that he was there to help, and let my self be helped. as i trained i realized things about my life, and where i could go. today i found out my brother is moving out soon, and that i want to be like him, in that i move out, and that i go to college. right now, i have a lot on my plate. my parents expect me to go to college and make good money, and play soccer. my sister is planning on marrying a sugar daddy, which means i get to take care of her when he throws her out. that is my one problem, i cant ever depend on anyone for anything. when i make money, i save it, knowing that ill need it soon. she goes out and spends it immeaditly. most people dont know what i mean when i say that i am the black sheep in the family, but i am also the one the parents espect to do perfectly in everything. i am the black sheep, because im not like my siblings or even my parents, i like being on my own, i like writing poetry, reading, and then i have my other side that loves soccer. i have two diffrent personalitys, that is hard to explain, because i jump around so quickly. my parents expect me to be the one that goes to college, and leads a perfect life, but i know i cant. its hard for me, because all the pressure is on me to succeed in everything i do, and thats a really hard thing for me to do, especially lately. but it has gotten a lot easier now that i have friends. i used to not have friends, well i had one. thats why i dont mind being on my own so much, because i went through three years of it. i dont even remember those three years, im just happy that they are passed. so to all my friends im sorry when im quite, im just not used to depending on anyone, because i didnt have anyone, i didnt have my mom for a while, and that made me hate my dad. i was so stupid back then. things sure have gotten better, and yet somedays, i become numb, and it scares me, because i remember this numb feeling, and i dont want it again. everyone has a fear that will make them cry, and scream in pain, but no one will understand your fear, or the reasons behind them, this is my fear, but no one will understand, because i refuse to let them, they dont need to know about the things that would make them cry. im sorry to my friends, but this is who i am, take it or leave it.

big girls dont cry

no matter how far you climb,
you will drop.

today i learned that. i climbed the ladder known as life, and i got to where i was finally comfortable with my body, but then my mom has to say something that makes me realize everything i learned is a lie. everything i told my self wasnt true. and thats what stings the most, that i axually believed the lie that i was becoming more and more comfortable with my self. i taught my self so long ago that when you hear a lie, you tell the truth, and you set every thing right in your head. after today everything is so jumbled that i dont know what is the truth. i dont really want to go into what she said, but her exact words were "he isnt going to want a goalie that is fat." she said this after she said i should train more on the ladder. so what should i believe my mom, or my self, and since my self ive never trusted, i have to trust he judgement, and thats why im so scared. why is it that one sentence, one word can hurt so bad. mabey its because of the person who said it. the person who once told me i was beautiful inside and out. now im neither. she may think im beautiful on the inside, but she doesnt know the real me, the person who craves to travel so much. the one who is scared to come out side of this shell, because then people will see me, and just take advantage of me, just like all the rest. no one knows the real me, some people know part of me, but i dont let anyone in to close. right now the only place i can open up is through words, and writing it all down, because im so confused. i think this helps, not much but some. right now, the part im really scared about is a few years ago i went into a depression, it took me three years to get out of. im scared that i might go in, and not be able to get out. i told my self i would never get drawn into this again, and here i am, thinking i might be going into it, again. thats my true fear, that i will be into deep, that no one can help me. im sorry to people who read this, and say i have such an easy life why am i complaining, its just i have to write to explain these things to myself.