californication

today has been one of my best in a long time. for once i wasnt worried about my future, or my parents i was just worried about my self, and what i wanted. what i want is simple, friends, and soccer. something that goes hand in hand, most of the time. today i trained for an hour at goal keeping practice, and finally relaxed with tom, my keeper trainer. for me to ever relax with someone is so rare. i finally told my self that he was there to help, and let my self be helped. as i trained i realized things about my life, and where i could go. today i found out my brother is moving out soon, and that i want to be like him, in that i move out, and that i go to college. right now, i have a lot on my plate. my parents expect me to go to college and make good money, and play soccer. my sister is planning on marrying a sugar daddy, which means i get to take care of her when he throws her out. that is my one problem, i cant ever depend on anyone for anything. when i make money, i save it, knowing that ill need it soon. she goes out and spends it immeaditly. most people dont know what i mean when i say that i am the black sheep in the family, but i am also the one the parents espect to do perfectly in everything. i am the black sheep, because im not like my siblings or even my parents, i like being on my own, i like writing poetry, reading, and then i have my other side that loves soccer. i have two diffrent personalitys, that is hard to explain, because i jump around so quickly. my parents expect me to be the one that goes to college, and leads a perfect life, but i know i cant. its hard for me, because all the pressure is on me to succeed in everything i do, and thats a really hard thing for me to do, especially lately. but it has gotten a lot easier now that i have friends. i used to not have friends, well i had one. thats why i dont mind being on my own so much, because i went through three years of it. i dont even remember those three years, im just happy that they are passed. so to all my friends im sorry when im quite, im just not used to depending on anyone, because i didnt have anyone, i didnt have my mom for a while, and that made me hate my dad. i was so stupid back then. things sure have gotten better, and yet somedays, i become numb, and it scares me, because i remember this numb feeling, and i dont want it again. everyone has a fear that will make them cry, and scream in pain, but no one will understand your fear, or the reasons behind them, this is my fear, but no one will understand, because i refuse to let them, they dont need to know about the things that would make them cry. im sorry to my friends, but this is who i am, take it or leave it.