Tears of an angel

god damint im so pissed. why cant i have one day that is completly good, with no times that i dont want to kill someone. yesterday and today was the same way. yesterday, i was hanging with friends, and then suddenly everything went down hill when one of my good friends asked about a particular thing that i never wanted to tell her. i never wanted to tell her about the way i felt when she said she wanted to die, or when she told me she cut herself. when she would tell me these things, i was in pain, because i think i put her there, or that, i just wasnt there for her enough, and she just wanted to kill herself, because i wasnt strong enough for her. thats what scares me, not being strong enough for my friends. i have to be strong for them, thats why i can barely ever be weak around them, thats why i cant depend on people. when this person asked me what i wanted to tell mercedes she brought this up, and i nearly cried, because i dont ever want people knowing there hurting me. i dont ever want anyone knowing that im hurting. i have to be strong, because if im not strong for myself, how can i take care of the people closest to me.

today was more of a repeat of something that happened in the past. in the past i trusted my sister, and she told my parents about a guy. i knew nothing would become of him, so i didnt tell my parents of it. well when they told them, they were suprised, and dissapointed all at the same time. i cant stand to dissapoint my parents its so hard. tonight, she learned of me knowing a guy that offered me pot, and what does she do, she goes and tell mom and dad. tonight all she did was prove once again, that if you tell her anything make sure that the parents already know about it. she has lost my trust, and i dont give my trust easily, and now it will be harder then ever to gain it. im sorry to those people that want to be a friend, but you will have to work hard, because im not letting someone in, that will just turn and stab me in the back, that has happened so many times, that i have a wall built around me. a wall that is growing and growing in strength, as everyday someone hurts me once again. it went down for this past year and i was hurt, so it will come back up, because im tired of feeling hurt, and used by everyone. im tired of feeling like im not good enough for people. why is it that when life gets harder we retreat into ourselves? why is it that we dont depend on the ones around us? all of the whys in life will never be answered, until we experience it, and learn. we will always be learning, it is just up to us, what we learn, and which lessons we remember.