big girls dont cry

no matter how far you climb,
you will drop.

today i learned that. i climbed the ladder known as life, and i got to where i was finally comfortable with my body, but then my mom has to say something that makes me realize everything i learned is a lie. everything i told my self wasnt true. and thats what stings the most, that i axually believed the lie that i was becoming more and more comfortable with my self. i taught my self so long ago that when you hear a lie, you tell the truth, and you set every thing right in your head. after today everything is so jumbled that i dont know what is the truth. i dont really want to go into what she said, but her exact words were "he isnt going to want a goalie that is fat." she said this after she said i should train more on the ladder. so what should i believe my mom, or my self, and since my self ive never trusted, i have to trust he judgement, and thats why im so scared. why is it that one sentence, one word can hurt so bad. mabey its because of the person who said it. the person who once told me i was beautiful inside and out. now im neither. she may think im beautiful on the inside, but she doesnt know the real me, the person who craves to travel so much. the one who is scared to come out side of this shell, because then people will see me, and just take advantage of me, just like all the rest. no one knows the real me, some people know part of me, but i dont let anyone in to close. right now the only place i can open up is through words, and writing it all down, because im so confused. i think this helps, not much but some. right now, the part im really scared about is a few years ago i went into a depression, it took me three years to get out of. im scared that i might go in, and not be able to get out. i told my self i would never get drawn into this again, and here i am, thinking i might be going into it, again. thats my true fear, that i will be into deep, that no one can help me. im sorry to people who read this, and say i have such an easy life why am i complaining, its just i have to write to explain these things to myself.