sorry, blame it on me.

why does the past always come back? to haunt you? to tease you? to make you smile? to make you cry? why cant the past just always stay in the past? the past is the past, but the things that happen in them, the feelings that go through your head, the memories that happen the whole time, that you cant ever forget. its more difficult than you can imagine when a guy is standing infront of you, one that you became friends with, one that you miss so much, but when your around him you cant control your feelings. the feeling to touch him, the way he touched you. the feelings running through your head, from the last time that everything went right. i know why i miss him so much, two reasons:

one: the one that i never really realized, until a while back. he reminds me so much of the one i lost. i know i sound crazy when i say that he acts like him, like cole, but the way he is reminds me so much of him. he can make me smile in a heartbeat, with his gorgeous smile, and his blue eyes that always get caught in the light, and his brown hair, thats always covered with gel, but always looks so right. i miss cole, but this guy, reminds me too much of him to let me let him go.

second: the one that probably no one will understand, he makes me happy, he makes me smile. when i tell people that i have a wall around me, i dont think they understand, because how can you understand what its like to see so many people who can be close to you but you wont let them, because your scared, but you dont really know the true reason. with andrew he can let me put down that wall somewhat, he can let me have so much fun without even realizing what hes doing. hes so oblivious, that its funny. i miss him.

i know i wont ever be able to date him, no matter what i do. his girlfriend has him around her little pinky, he's at her beck and call. it sucks for him, he needs to be with someone who respects him, who doesnt get jealous so quickly. i know i wont date him, but that wont stop me from wanting to date him. i know i probably hurt him, and then i just let my feelings get in the way, i got hurt but he probably got hurt to, for that i am sorry.

remember the name

the past always comes back. it is something i have learned these past few days. one of the things that i have tried to forget, and for a long time i did forget. forgetting is an amazing thing, you never have to deal with the reasons behind forgetting. you just simply cant remember making you think everything is okay, even though it isnt. recently i remembered a guy that i fell in love with, even though i didnt know what love was then. i remember things like jealously, and running to him after summer vacation. i remember these things and yet i forget. cole is this guy, that now i cant get out of my mind.

sadly, this is now affecting my life, i think this is why i originally forget. it hurt so bad the day he told me he couldn't see me anymore. maybe thats why i forgot, to forget the pain. its affecting my life in the way that i cant have relationships with any guy, because i remember the feelings i had for cole. he was my bestfriend for four years, and now i want to find him, even though he may or may not remember me, or even wants to talk to me. i want him back, but i know that its not going to be what i pictured, it never is, because they are only dreams, and dreams like these rarely come true.

our song, i think

i hate hormones. right now everyday is changing with me one day i like this guy, because i think hes hot, and i just want that feeling, but the next day i look at him and dont know what i saw. like today my friend was talking about liking this guy, and another, and another, and im just thinking wow i dont even like anyone. i must be sad or really picky. for a few years i havent really liked the guys i saw because none of them have the right body style, even if that is petty of me. the body style i want is something you dont see everyday, which makes it so hard to axually like anyone. the guy i like is alot like the ones from the army, there tall they have muscles and they have a rough exterior like me. sadly i am one girl who likes alot of old fashioned stuff, i like it when guys show that everything is okay, that they can make me feel safe. it is what i want, but when i say it in my head, it sounds so petty.i want to love someone, i want to feel safe i want to say to someone he's mine, like he is going to do anything for me, but you cant ever have all of that together. maybe i am too picky. maybe i should just face it, its easier being on my own, but its what i crave, and when you dont feel safe, you crave it even more. i read the stories online all the time about love and procteviness, and the only thing that happened was i didnt believe it existed, ever. but somehow it has to right?

always

today has been a long one, full of happiness and sadness, like any day i guess. the thing is i like this one guy, his names nathien, and well the good part is that anytime he sees me he says hi, or nods his head at me, its amazing. the bad part about this is one of my bestfriends hates him, because he got her friend in trouble. along with the fact that my sister doesnt want me to like him, mainly because hes a player, and she doesnt want to see me get hurt.

i dont know why he appeals to me, i guess it has something to do with he is loud, and out there, or maybe because he talks alot and it wouldnt be awkward, or maybe its just being with a guy that has alot of friends and knows how to have a good time probably has alot to do with it. i guess the real reason is that he acuatlly notices me, alot more then most guys. most guys just look, and say she means nothing, or they just look right over my head, never noticing me. i guess its nice to be noticed every once in a while. i suprisingly like this feeling. i want to feel important to someone, like this, not like friends or family, just like a guy. i guess i want to feel like someone special. it hasn't ever happened to me where i just can say i am special, because im not usually. im the quiet, smart girl, who intimidates to many people, because of my rough exterior. the sad part about this is that once you know me, you learn that i get scared easily, and things hurt me, but i cant show it because of that, im too bottled up, but it works for me. sometimes im tired of being the girl no one notices, but its not like i can change it. i dont want to change my self, its gotten me this far,it can last me longer, i know that.

rest in peaces

i know i havent posted in a while, and im sorry life has been hectic lately, and i honestly haven't felt the need to write until just now. this last week has been a very long one, mainly because i've been getting bad dreams, and overall a bad feeling. do you know that feeling in your gut where you just know something is going to happen, you can just feel it, you just don't know when or what. this last week it has been happening to me. maybe thats the reason for me always staring off into space who knows. i was right, and i dont want to explain, its just something happened that i thought was over, and now it won't be done for another five to ten years. its going to effect my parents life greatly, and when it effects them it effects me. they go and visit him some, and i'm happy that they are, it's just i really don't want to go and visit him, but i know if i do that i wont see him for a long time. i dont know what to do, my gut says one thing, but logically it says another. i know that who ever is reading is probably confused, its just i need to write, and i need to let this out i just dont want to explain the whole story, its too complicated for me to rewrite, and some how explain in my head.

Emotionless

redo. its something we all wish we could do. with the test we bombed, with the friends we lost, with are whole lives basically. ive wanted to redo my whole childhood, because then maybe i would be closer with my parents, maybe i would trust people more, maybe i would be outgoing like i used, hell maybe i would show emotion like every one else.

im no longer as close to my parents as i want, origanilly, i was like glue to them, they just mattered so much to me, but then i made a lot of mistakes, and i lost them. i blamed my parents for feelings i couldnt place. i didnt like that they worked all the time to support us. i didnt understand then why my mom, and dad were constantly working, the only thing i understood was that mommy, and daddy are at work, and im at my grandmothers. when my parents started to get a regular work schedule, things got easier, but i wasnt apart of the family, until a year after of so, until i really forgave my parents. there isnt any tension between us, just, i think i could be closer to them.

whenever i was a lot younger, i was the life of a party, i would always go up to people shake there hands, and just have fun, now i cant do that. i cant show emotion around really anyone. if i show emotion, it means, to me, a weakness inside. my friend tells me, it doesnt mean weakness it means your human, but to me, human hurts too much. if im strong on the outside, i can make it look like nothing hurts me. that nothing will ever hurt me, and most of the time i believe it. i believe that nothing will hurt me. so far, only once have i been proven wrong by this lie. only once, and the sad part is i did it to myself. about a week ago i had a really bad dream. the dream was so vivid, that i didnt know i was dreaming it, i thought it was real. it took me five minutes to tell myself, it wasnt happening. in the dream, me, my sister, and nazzi, a friend of the familys thats like my sister, were all lieing in a bed, waiting for a guy, to rape us. i remeber it so visually. the part that scared me, is that in that i wasnt strong, i wasnt the person i thought i was. i was just a scared little girl, and the only thing i felt was fear. fear that he would rape me, i couldnt move. it still has me scared, but now im not scared of the dream, im scared, that i lied to myself so well, that i believed my lie. i made myself believe that nothing could touch me, and then a dream proves me wrong. this dream proved one thing, im not strong, i cant defend people, if i had a choice i would run, leaving them there, and the only thing i would be able to think about is the overwhelming fear, not my sister, not my friends. thats what scares me the most, that i would be that inconsiderate. i would run away to make myself safe, and forget about them, the people i would die for. right now, i cant imagine putting them in danger, or not getting them out, but as i look at the facts, i realize the truth.

no one knows that im weak, because i dont let them, most people think im strong, and stubborn, never scared. thats the way i am. for the longest time i havent been able to show emotion, like everyone else. i cant just smile or cry, because feelings are weaknesses, to me. not to everyone else, but for me, it probably will always be that way, because if you show emotion you make mistakes. mistakes are costly.

so many times i wish i could forget the past, but i cant, it haunts me everyday, because i put my parents through the ringer, and it made me, someone no one truly knows. that is the saddest part of my life, no one will ever know the true me.

addicted

today, i have spent the day with my bestfriend talking about life, and everything else. it was one of the funnest days i have had this summer. there was no stress of someone freaking out, it was all just relaxed. we could go from subject with ease, even when we hit the hard subjects. the bad thing is she doesnt understand why i cant open up to people, or it might be that i never took the time to explain it. i cant open up to people for many reasons, one they leave as soon as something hard comes up. the next reason is that they think im weak, with my friends im always the one who listens when someone cries there eyes out, or when they just need to talk about something sad. i have always been that friend, who could support in the time of need, and make everything easier just by listening, and making them realize what there situation acutually is. they then can come up with a solution easier. it amazes me how easily i can make them feel better, but how much i cant help myself, no matter how bad i need it. i cant depend on people, i cant let people get close, the closest someone has been is vic, and even with her i hold back. i cant open up to people, because i know that i could hurt them. worse then they are hurting. i know i worry my friends, about alot of stuff, and a lot of the time i wish i didnt tell them, because now im making them hurt over me.

today, one of the hard topics was about my addiction. my friend thought i was cutting my self, but when i told her it wasn't she wanted to know, but i can barely tell myself, so how can you tell someone else. when you have done something, that you cant stop, that you know you shouldn't do, but its so hard to end it. when you have tried cold turkey, when you have tried telling yourself skip this night, save it for another, and it all doesn't work. you know your in trouble, but you cant admit, that you have a problem. you cant admit to something that is so stupid, so embarssing because you cant make yourself stop from wanting that feeling. i've told one person part of it, because she guessed, and i told her a little bit more. plus she caught me after i went seven days without it, she pushed me to the ninth, and then i cracked. i had to do it. on the day i was with her, i was so jittery, and so jumpy, that i couldnt control my tapping, my gazing eyes, searching everywhere, but what was in front of me. you cant tell a friend what you do, when you have given up on yourself, in the fight for your body back, for your brain, and everything else. you cant admit a weakness like that. i cant admit that im weak, because when your weak, you make mistakes, you lose friends, and you show people that you arent the person they thought you were. i cant dissapoint people when they expect so much from me. i cant show that im diffrent then what i seem. when you get to know me im shy, and scared, but then i become this outgoing person thats stubborn, and everything else, but most people leave before they see the real me.

the last thing i have to say, is something that i cant do in person, because i would show a lot of emotion, and i cant do that, that easily. i am sorry. i am sorry to my friends who know something is going on, and i cant tell you. the only thing i can tell you, is that i wish i wasnt causing you pain. i wish you didnt have to see me broken. i shouldnt be broken, i should just be a kid, but because of my past i cant be yet, i have to break a cycle, and i dont know how to. im sorry. i dont know how many times i have to say it, to make the regret im feeling right now. if i could have a do over of this last i wouldnt have told you, i wouldnt make you feel pain. im so sorry. i will always be there for you, but you dont have to be there for me, even though i know you will be. dont take offense when i cant tell you something, it is my way of ignoring the facts. the facts that i have something wrong with me. im sorry. forgive me.

saving me

why is it that people think life is easy, that everything will turn out okay? what about all the people that comment suicide will everything turn out right for them. i dont really know how to put what im thinking right now. i guess it has something to do with life, mixed with love. can people live with out love, or do they just wash away day by day? i want to know if someone can survive on their own, with no one beside them just themselves, and there wits. or do we have to have someone beside us, saying i love you, and ill care for you, forever. in the last few months i have been told the same thing, i love you. but the sad part of it, is they dont know me. they dont know anything about me, and yet they love me. i dont see how this is possible. for me it takes months sometimes years, for me even to say your my friend. if you last with me that long, i would die for you, because you would matter to me.

how is it that someone you barely know can say those words, that mean so much, like it doesnt matter. they dont realize what those words mean. i have never told a guy i love you, because i cant get close to them, because it takes me so long to become friends with someone, that most people give up on that feeling. it is so hard to see someone you like walk away because you arent ready. but i guess it all turns out well because you never have to be hurt. if they cant wait for you, then they arent worth it.

this past year i have learned so much, about me, life, love. i first learned that you cant just say i love you like it means nothing, then i found out love is complicated, its not you find a guy and you can just wing it. it doesnt that way, you have to work for it, and sometimes, most of the times your let down. the next thing i found out, is that no matter how much you want time to stop, to just make it last a little bit longer, it wont, because life always goes on, no matter what you do. the last thing i learned and probably the most important, never change your self, never think that you need someone to live with you, and always belive in your self.

Tears of an angel

god damint im so pissed. why cant i have one day that is completly good, with no times that i dont want to kill someone. yesterday and today was the same way. yesterday, i was hanging with friends, and then suddenly everything went down hill when one of my good friends asked about a particular thing that i never wanted to tell her. i never wanted to tell her about the way i felt when she said she wanted to die, or when she told me she cut herself. when she would tell me these things, i was in pain, because i think i put her there, or that, i just wasnt there for her enough, and she just wanted to kill herself, because i wasnt strong enough for her. thats what scares me, not being strong enough for my friends. i have to be strong for them, thats why i can barely ever be weak around them, thats why i cant depend on people. when this person asked me what i wanted to tell mercedes she brought this up, and i nearly cried, because i dont ever want people knowing there hurting me. i dont ever want anyone knowing that im hurting. i have to be strong, because if im not strong for myself, how can i take care of the people closest to me.

today was more of a repeat of something that happened in the past. in the past i trusted my sister, and she told my parents about a guy. i knew nothing would become of him, so i didnt tell my parents of it. well when they told them, they were suprised, and dissapointed all at the same time. i cant stand to dissapoint my parents its so hard. tonight, she learned of me knowing a guy that offered me pot, and what does she do, she goes and tell mom and dad. tonight all she did was prove once again, that if you tell her anything make sure that the parents already know about it. she has lost my trust, and i dont give my trust easily, and now it will be harder then ever to gain it. im sorry to those people that want to be a friend, but you will have to work hard, because im not letting someone in, that will just turn and stab me in the back, that has happened so many times, that i have a wall built around me. a wall that is growing and growing in strength, as everyday someone hurts me once again. it went down for this past year and i was hurt, so it will come back up, because im tired of feeling hurt, and used by everyone. im tired of feeling like im not good enough for people. why is it that when life gets harder we retreat into ourselves? why is it that we dont depend on the ones around us? all of the whys in life will never be answered, until we experience it, and learn. we will always be learning, it is just up to us, what we learn, and which lessons we remember.

californication

today has been one of my best in a long time. for once i wasnt worried about my future, or my parents i was just worried about my self, and what i wanted. what i want is simple, friends, and soccer. something that goes hand in hand, most of the time. today i trained for an hour at goal keeping practice, and finally relaxed with tom, my keeper trainer. for me to ever relax with someone is so rare. i finally told my self that he was there to help, and let my self be helped. as i trained i realized things about my life, and where i could go. today i found out my brother is moving out soon, and that i want to be like him, in that i move out, and that i go to college. right now, i have a lot on my plate. my parents expect me to go to college and make good money, and play soccer. my sister is planning on marrying a sugar daddy, which means i get to take care of her when he throws her out. that is my one problem, i cant ever depend on anyone for anything. when i make money, i save it, knowing that ill need it soon. she goes out and spends it immeaditly. most people dont know what i mean when i say that i am the black sheep in the family, but i am also the one the parents espect to do perfectly in everything. i am the black sheep, because im not like my siblings or even my parents, i like being on my own, i like writing poetry, reading, and then i have my other side that loves soccer. i have two diffrent personalitys, that is hard to explain, because i jump around so quickly. my parents expect me to be the one that goes to college, and leads a perfect life, but i know i cant. its hard for me, because all the pressure is on me to succeed in everything i do, and thats a really hard thing for me to do, especially lately. but it has gotten a lot easier now that i have friends. i used to not have friends, well i had one. thats why i dont mind being on my own so much, because i went through three years of it. i dont even remember those three years, im just happy that they are passed. so to all my friends im sorry when im quite, im just not used to depending on anyone, because i didnt have anyone, i didnt have my mom for a while, and that made me hate my dad. i was so stupid back then. things sure have gotten better, and yet somedays, i become numb, and it scares me, because i remember this numb feeling, and i dont want it again. everyone has a fear that will make them cry, and scream in pain, but no one will understand your fear, or the reasons behind them, this is my fear, but no one will understand, because i refuse to let them, they dont need to know about the things that would make them cry. im sorry to my friends, but this is who i am, take it or leave it.

big girls dont cry

no matter how far you climb,
you will drop.

today i learned that. i climbed the ladder known as life, and i got to where i was finally comfortable with my body, but then my mom has to say something that makes me realize everything i learned is a lie. everything i told my self wasnt true. and thats what stings the most, that i axually believed the lie that i was becoming more and more comfortable with my self. i taught my self so long ago that when you hear a lie, you tell the truth, and you set every thing right in your head. after today everything is so jumbled that i dont know what is the truth. i dont really want to go into what she said, but her exact words were "he isnt going to want a goalie that is fat." she said this after she said i should train more on the ladder. so what should i believe my mom, or my self, and since my self ive never trusted, i have to trust he judgement, and thats why im so scared. why is it that one sentence, one word can hurt so bad. mabey its because of the person who said it. the person who once told me i was beautiful inside and out. now im neither. she may think im beautiful on the inside, but she doesnt know the real me, the person who craves to travel so much. the one who is scared to come out side of this shell, because then people will see me, and just take advantage of me, just like all the rest. no one knows the real me, some people know part of me, but i dont let anyone in to close. right now the only place i can open up is through words, and writing it all down, because im so confused. i think this helps, not much but some. right now, the part im really scared about is a few years ago i went into a depression, it took me three years to get out of. im scared that i might go in, and not be able to get out. i told my self i would never get drawn into this again, and here i am, thinking i might be going into it, again. thats my true fear, that i will be into deep, that no one can help me. im sorry to people who read this, and say i have such an easy life why am i complaining, its just i have to write to explain these things to myself.

how to save a life

well the one thing i said about this being a long week, i was wrong it was a very long week, very long. the only thing it did for me was give me alot of time to think, about life, about guys, about the future, everything. the night before i left i went on a date. on this date i found out that he wasnt who he said he was. he hid a certain part that scared me. one of the only things im scared of, like deathly scared of, is men and there needs, and when they dont get those needs easily they take it. thats what scared me, because im not getting into that kind of predidcatment. i told him that night i couldnt see him anymore, and the way he was attached, hes scared me so bad, that i wont get attached to anyone for a very long time.

this week was very opening and yet backtracking. this week i learned that i dont need a guy, but what i found after that was that i still depend on people. my family has a lot of people that are just sorta of thrown in, because they are so close. i have four people that are like my dads. ive gotten so close to them this weekend, and im scared im getting attached. the one thing in life ive learned is never become attached to anyone, because they will hurt you, or you will hurt them. so as im getting closer, as im becoming more trusting of them, im scared that im going to get hurt again. i cant trust people, thats why i run from relationships, because i will get hurt, by them, or by the guilt. i cant cause people pain,thats why im always in pain, emotionally and physically. thats why i hate depending on people. this week i bonded to the one guy i wasnt that close to. the reason i trusted him so much after this week is because his demeanor reminds like my dad is, he is protecting, and he can make me calm down so easily, because he is used to kids or something. as everyday passes, i get closer to people, now the only thing i fear is what the people in the future hold.

for everyday the wind stands still, cherish it.

if you know what this means, then you have felt this. the feeling of complete bliss, even though things aren't perfect around you. right now i just feel at so much peace, because the guy i like finally asked me out. he keeps telling me to tell him anything, but its so hard, we haven't even been together a day. thats why i am scared. i am not good at commentments. i have always ran away, but now i am fighting all those feelings, and stay here. this is where i want to stay, and i want to trust him, but how can you trust someone right off the bat. there are some things that i'm dealing with now, and i can't tell anyone. i have told one person part of it, and mentioned it here. but i can't tell someone about all of it. they would freak if they found out, no matter what they say, they will. i'm not normal. right now i'm at complete bliss, but the storm is still raging on, inside of my head. when everything stops for a second it will pick up speed in a matter of minutes. i am were i want to be, well i want something more, but i'm scared about how long this will last.

this will be my last post for over a week, sorry. i'm going on vacation, and i'm only slightly excited. wish me luck, this is going to be a long week.

boulverad of broken dreams

you know what pisses me off, is when someone says they love you, and they don't even know a thing about you. in the last day i was told by my ex boyfriend that he loves me, but the thing is all he knew about me was i played soccer. basically all of my friends know that, that is the first thing they learn about me, because its the one thing, besides people, that i care for. he didn't know why my best friends where who they were. he didn't know what my dreams where, or what i was scared of. and yet he still thinks he can say he loves me. he is an idiot, and i hate him. everytime i get a text from him i go oh, shit. what is he going to say know. he has caused me so much pain. its hard for me to even like a guy anymore. the main reason how he hurt me is simple, he didn't care, and every time i put myself out there a little he hurt me. telling me that was a good kiss. ya dude, thanks for saying i sucked at kissing. the one thing i have learned in the last week is simple, no matter what you do you will get hurt. no matter what preventatives you take you can't make the pain stop. the pain of feeling embarrassed, and everything else. in my head i think logically, never emotionally, except for this, guys. are we ever supposed to think logically with guys, because if we are, i have failed miserably. the last thing he texted me, is the thing that scares me so much, he told me if i wrote something wrong, i'm dead. just so you know i don't get scared easily, its just i dont trust people, and when he threatened me, i just didnt react well. the sad thing is i have to make sure things turn out right, or he might go after my friends. my friends are the one thing that stops me in my tracks. if you mention them, about them hurting, or about to be hurt, i would trade my life to make sure they are okay. it puts so much strain on me, but i dont care. i know thats a sad thing to say because i neglect my self so much, going through so much emotional stuff, that hurts so bad, but i cant hurt them, and i cant let them feel the constant pain i do. i may think logically but, there is always something emotional going on inside me, that makes me think logically, because if i acted on the emotions i would be left with nothing. if i could make one wish, it would be to have someone by my side that would protect me, because im tired of the pain and the sadness, i just want feel safe for once.

why?

one of my friends told me i write important things in my posts, that there inspiring, and everything else. i dont know why people have said that i do this, i just write what i feel, and what life means to me. life means so much, but we dont realize that life is something we take for granted. everyone treats life like we have another future, that we can have a do over, but we don't. when we realize we dont have a do over, we change everything in our lives. we cause change in the way we act, speak, and everything else, just because we think we can make our lives last longer, than what we have left. when we realize that we make a mistake that could cost our own lives, our own freedom, we do one of two things. we fight like hell to stay alive, or we give up completly, to death, to jail, to anyone just simply because were tired of fighting life. when we give up on life we have run out of things to live for. i live for everything, for my friends, my family, my team, and then for thinking that i can make someones life a little better. even if it is just mowing there lawn, or washing there dog. it is making there life a little better. there are some people in this world that have given up on life, so they make mistakes, and they have to deal with the consequences, some deal with it by fighting while others deal with it by giving up, and hoping that death comes quickly. now is your turn to choose, win your fighting a battle of your life you can fight and win, or you can give up and never see life again. this is the two roads we all have to choose from, a lot of people give up, but more fight, some win, while others never find happiness. it is up to you.

i dont really know why i was writing this, mabey because i believe that too many people have given up, or mabey because my grandfather is willingly giving up his freedom for a mistake he made, and he doesnt want to fight anymore. i am scared that he will do what many countless people before him have done, and just make it that death comes quicker, than later. as i think about him i know i can make it, because i never want to make my parents scared that i might give up. i will always fight for what i believe in. what i believe in is simple LIFE.life, will always be there, and you can never forget it, because you are always living it.

complicated

i dont really know why im posting, i guess i just wanted to type. today i am having a really sluggish day. i went for six days of not doing my addiction, and then i cracked, and i dont know why. i guess the pressure, and the need got to much of me. in my life i am ruled by logic, that is how i think, that is how i act, that is how i fight, but this is not logical, i dont know why i need it, i just do. i hate it. now the only person i have told, has left on vacation, which means i cant talk to her. im so scared that i will do it again, but i know, that i have to stop, and somehow i will.

right now i am putting more music on my ipod, and just thinking about my life, what i wil do, how i will accomplish it, and the ifs in life. what i want right now is so sketchy, that i dont know what i want, i know that i want a family, with a husband, but thats it. my mind is torn between fighting for my country, or saving it. i am down to either joining the military, or becoming a doctor. my mind is split, because my logical side says that the army will just end up getting you killed, but my curiosty is winning a little bit. everytime i see anything to do with the army i am instantly drawn to it, movies, books, internet, recuiters, whatever it is, i am interested in. then, i have my other part of the brain, the medical. it pays a lot of money i would be able to support a family, and satisfy my curiosty of the human body. that is where i am at, either go with logic completly, and be a doctor, or satisfy my curiosty and join the army. whatever i choose i cant back out of, that is what i am scared of. i dont do commitments that well, unless its like an assighnement for school, that is easy, but commentments to friends sometimes is harder.

yesterday one of my friends called me up to talk, and she was having a bad day. for thirty minutes i got to listen to her describe her problem. of how her online guy, the one she trusts, and the one in real life, and which one she should choose. when she talks to me about this, it is hard for me to keep my head, because i dont believe in online relationships at all. i believe that you meet someone face to face first, and then you can talk online after. doing that is fine with me, but being friends with people online scares me. i try to keep my head with her, but the whole time i want to tell her, that she is being stupid, talking to that many people online, and getting so close with them that you have to choose between real life, and the internet. it hurts me so much when i see her like this, because she is going to go through so much pain, because she will wait around for ever for him. no matter what she does she will wait, wait for him, and continue to deal with the pain. it is painful to see one of your best friends go through this. i dont know what to do anymore. my logical part says you dont need to be a part of her life, because she is going to be in pain, and cause you so much greif and hardship, but the other side says, you will never leave someone to fend for themselves, and i wont. im at an intersection, and i dont know which way to go for anything anymore. lately ive been leaping too much, without looking, and know im dealing with all the consequences.

the only good thing in my life is that i have the greatest friends, family, and soccer team i could ever imagine. i gave up once, and i never will again. i will make it through. i will make it. i will, no matter, the pain, the brouises or whatever comes my way, i will face it head on. i will survive on my own, with no one by my side, i will stand strong.

fall for you

these last two days have been some of the most opening, yet extremly painful. yesterday i told a secret that i had never had told before, i only told her part of it. it was painful to do, but it would have been more painful to not to. this has been tearing inside of me for so long. when i told her i was happy, but yet scared that she would tell someone. this is an addiction, and the only reason im attempting to stop is for a guy, because he wont want me messed up. that is were im at right now.

the next thing that i will be alot more open with, because it is something most girls go through. today it hit me hard, girls you know what i mean when say you feel like an extra string. today i went to six flags with four friends, two girls two guys, and me. two of them i knew would bond, and be insepereble, but the other one i wasnt expecting at all. these two people, who i thought would have never trusted each other, bonded so well. as i watched them run together in the rain, or when he would buy her stuff, and share it with her, or when they would be walking down the street intertwined in each others arms, it hurt me to see. it hurts me to watch them being so happy, and me so not. sadly, today i wished i had my old boyfriend, my ex just simply so i could pretend to be happy, and be lovey dubby with them. i know that is sad, but i wanted it, and as soon as that feeling came i hated it. i hated it so much, he never hurt me, but the things he said and did still make me question what that relationship was about. right now, if i could have one wish it would be simple, if i could hang out with austin, the guy that has made me somewhat happy, and mabey things could be like mel, and jacob, so easy, and yet so joyful. thats what i want, but i dont think he wants any part of it.love sucks, especially, when you want it so much. why do we want love so much? why do we want the feeling of safeness, and security? why cant we just depend on ourselves?

stronger

in my life i wish i could be stronger in every aspect. i wish i could hide the pain im feeling right now, but i cant. i just got a call from my best friend telling me she was hugging the guy she likes, and she is wearing his shirt that is now his. as she is telling me this, you could hear my voice get lower and lower. all i wanted to do was cry, as she told me how much fun she had with him. i want someone near me, so i wont feel like this anymore. the other part of me, is saying i should never feel this way, i should never want this, i should just want to show people im strong, but inside im not. the one guy that i like, wont like me. he gave me a hug and thats it. he also texted me, but thats it. i want to spend more time with him, but im scared that he will realize that im not worth his time. every guy has realized that so far. like i said vic, you dont want this power, people like you at the begging then forget you exist.

as i sit writing about a wish i could have, i realize more and more im not strong enough. im not strong enough to survive on my own, and as i realize i cant i know someone is doing it, and im cursing at myself, blaming myself, that i cant do it. the main reason im scared right now is that, im scared that in my life i will always be depe nding on someone. that scares me more than anything. when i was younger i was taught always depend on yourself, never others, and now i cant depend on myself, im just weak. i cant support myself right this second, right this minute, right this hour. i want to depend on someone, but i know that it has a terrible cost, i will be scared that i will always depend on them. that is what scares me the most, and i wish i wasnt scared anymore. as i sit here typing tears pour out, the first ive cried in years, because this is the first time i wasnt strong enough to pull through one night. one night of pain, and suffering.

a thousand miles

right now i'm sitting in my room, like usual, trying to figure out how to get logged into my hotmail. all i have done is gotten my self locked out of it. i hate computers right now. there annoying. everything i do to them, ends up either breaking them or locking me out. ugh i hate it.

in my life everything is going good, but not great. it could be great if my mom got off my back. i mean she is constantly getting on my back about school and soccer, saying that i should be training every single day, and studying everyday, thenkfully its summer. but she is still on me about not getting higher then a 90, that is my best in those classes. one of the thing that sucks for me, that my sister is envious of me, it is something so stupid. i am the one child my parents are depending on to make something with there life. how many times have been refered to as the perfect child. im the one that is supposed to be a doctor, and marry when im thirty. im not supposed to have boyfriends, and all my friends are supposed to be perfect, with no flaw. my sister says she wishes she was like this, but how can you want that much stress on you. it is so hard. im supposed to be perfect, and i cant be. i just want someone to say its okay to not be perfect, and that you arent disspointing anyone when you mess up.

love story

people say that everything will work out. i don't see how. i sit in my room writing about my life, the life i wish i could fix. today i was hugged by one guy who never hugs anyone, and another guy was offering to put a bag on my shoulders. one of these guys i like, the way he looks, acts, especially his eyes, but i dont want to make it complicated, which means i have to make things complicated for me. most people wont understand what that means, and i dont want to explain it. my friend told me today, that i have a power, one that i wish i didn't have. the power to make guys like me. she says she wants this power, but how can you like this power when the only thing on your mind, is a long relationship, not one that is for a week. that is what i want, but when im with friends, i let them think im okay, inside, and out. but the truth is, im not okay. im not happy. im not complete. everyone wants some sort of belonging, ive found that in soccer, family, friends, but the one thing i do want is a relationship, someone i can depend on. that is one thing i probably will never find.

in my life depending on someone, meant depending on yourself. i dont want that anymore. i want someone to take charge, because im so scared that i wont get somewhere, or i'll screw up, but really, im tired. im tired of being the girl that everyone depends on. the one that is strong, that never has any problems. the truth is i do have problems, i just dont let people know it. one thing about me, is that im attached to my friends, but none of them will guess. im extremly clingy, but never do they know. i want peace right now. i try to be who i am, but i want something, that i shouldnt have yet. i shouldnt want love, and acceptance from a guy that matters to me. but i do, and im scared that this feeling will never go away, until it is satsified, which will be a long time, because i wil never find the truth, about me.

dreaming of perfection

i wrote this a long time ago when all i wanted was to be happy, but i knew that this part wouldn't happen for me. so i wrote what was on my mind then and there.

A girl walks the halls,
Dressed in her best.
Trying to catch a glimpse,
Of the guy she see’s every night.
She dreams every night,
That protection will come.
Just by having him nearby.
Knowing it will never happen,
She lays down,
For one last dream,
Before she gives up.

that's not my name

right now, i am sitting on my bed taking a break from cleaning my room. today alone i have to study for a science test, clean my room, and go train for soccer. finals are going to be easy, i just have to study for them, or else i will have my parents to answer to. that is a very scary thing. in this last week i have found out so much about myself, and also proved to myself what i already knew. in this last week i learned, that i can be myself and still have friends. i learned that no matter what i do they will stay by my side. this last week i let myself go, and acted the way i wish i could act, and they accepted me. i am so happy right now, there aren't even words. another thing that i learned is that, just because life doesn't go perfect, there is still a reason to be happy. the future, friends, family, and of course, summer. i learned how to be optimistic, and for me, that is an amazing feat, i am not optimistic, usually, and now i am, i like this feeling. i dont think i want to change.

pain

tonight i have done one of the craziest things i have done in one day. i went wild and let my friends go up to guys to see if they where single for me. truthfully, i loved this, its just i didnt know how to react around them, but now that i am at home, typing on my computer, and remensing about it, i wish i would have taken advantage of this. i wanted a friend like this for a long time, one who is head strong, and will go after what she wants, or what her friends tell her to do. i love that about her. now i just wish that i couldve talked to some of them, and had more fun. i messed up so much, but now i will be ready for the next time, and ready for the intesity of it. i love going crazy i just dont know how to react to do this, because im scared. i dont have that much confindence with guys. all they do is use me, and dump me. thats what im scared about. that is the thing that scares me, to be left on the side of the road, but something that scares me more, is to never feel the happiness, because so far i havent felt it yet. i wish i could relive what i just did, but i know that i will get to do it again, soon, i hope sooner, than later.

here in your arms

my life right now is complicated. i recently broke up with my only boyfriend which i completly regret even going out with him. i lied to myself and made myself desperate i wanted the feel of a guy near, and the feeling of knowing i could depend on someone. if i have any advice it is the advice i got from my bestfreind melissa she told me "live your life, and let the right guy find you through there." ever since then i havent been looking for guys ive been looking for what makes me happy. soccer, friends, and everything else. it so far is going good and i am finally for the first time happy and content in where i am.

that may be true for my social life but my home life is completly diffrent right now. we still dont know about anything for my grandpa, and my dad still gets drunk every once in while. on june 26 is when we find out what will happen. he has a possibility of two hundred years. this is scary for me, because my whole family is messed up but never with the law. ive dealt with families disowning part of their own and coming to ours, and a family disowning me and my sister and father, but never have i dealt wih the law it is so diffrent. in this one they dont choose this, tthough they do the crime so i dont know how to react at all.

but other things that are good that are going on is that im making more friends everyday, but im scared that im losing some old relationships little by little, and im scared about that, but on the other side my new relationships are even stronger then all the others. i know where i want to go with my whole life, i want relationships like these in my old friends, and i want the truth about my family, if my grandfather could axually do that to someone, and finally i want to find someone while being myself every single day. i dont want to change myself, but i still want that feeling, and im just going have to hold off on wanting this for a little longer. ill try to post more so vic will get off my back, but we'll just see i guess.

Welcome to my life

In the last year everything has gotten better for me. my friends are closer to me, my family is stronger, and everything is getting easier. But, for everything that happens good, there must be a bad. the bad in my life shouldn't be affecting me, but it does every time i hear about it. my grandfather, someone i'm not close to at all, is about to be put in prison for two hundred years. the thing that makes it so hard is that in the begging, he fought it, saying he didn't sexually abuse my cousin, but less than a week ago he gave up, or realized that he couldn't run from the truth. now i'm scared, not scared that he will go to jail, not scared that he might get out, but scared, because i don't know how to react. my mind says you shouldn't worry about him at all, he doesn't matter and he deserves this if he did that. my heart however says that you should always worry about someone in your family. the part that makes me even more scared is i dont know how to react when my family says this, if i act to sad then i dispoint them, if i act okay, then they think i dont care at all. i dont know how to act. i dont know the answers to life, and i wish i did, i wish i had the answers to what part of life meant, mabey i could understand what is going on.

Who's the one

i wrote this after i realized i couldn't have what i wanted from this guy. so i described the perfect guy to myself.

Let me find the one,
That makes my heart skip a beat,
Every time I’m around him.
Let me find the one,
Who makes my thoughts disappear,
And I can live without worries.
Let me find the one,
I can tell my secrets too,
The things that go on in my head.
Let me find the one,
That is fearless.
That can protect me from the world.
That can make me optimistic.


Help me find the one,
That belongs to me, and I to him.
Help me find the one,
That makes me feel safe,
In his arms.
Help me find the one,
Who fills my mind every-night,
Making my dreams sweet bliss.
Help me find the one,
That can put up with me,
That loves my mind,
And body.


My soul-mate,
Will never leave my mind,
Even as I fall asleep.
My soul-mate,
Will always be with me in spirit,
Until he emerges from the shadows.
My soul-mate,
Will search for me,
And I will search each and every day,
Till the day I die.


God,
I’m not faithful,
But deep down I do believe.
God,
Help me find the him,
Help us find each other.
God,
You have made my life full of ups and downs.
I want to stay on the ups.
God,
If I meet him,
Forever will I owe you.
God,
Please let him find me,
I may be young but I do feel this way.
God,
If I had love like this,
Nothing would hurt me like it did.
God,
Please give me this one wish,
Let me find the guy of my dreams,
Before my dreams fade.
I know it’s selfish,
But I want to feel this,
And be on a high,
For the rest of my life.

Life for everyone

this poem is very confusing, but if you have felt this way at all it will make a little bit of sense. I write through nature, if that makes any sense at all.

For everyday the wind stands still,
There are twice as many,
Winds that will wipe you off the earth.
The ocean will be a sea of waves,
Crashing onto the never ending beaches,
Every-day the wind stands still,
Cherish it,
For it will not last long.

Don't

Don’t treat me like a friend.
Don’t treat me like an enemy.
Don’t treat me like a person you just met.
Ignore me like all the rest.
Don’t hurt me like a guy would.
Don’t hurt me when I’m smiling.
Don’t hurt me with my friends around.
Ignore me like all the rest.
Don’t let me run-away.
Don’t let me fall.
Don’t let me leave this world.

if...

If I could have the world,
I would say no.
If I could have a wish,
I would wish for someone else.
If I could have anything to make me happy,
Don’t expect me to take it.
I don’t deserve happiness,
And never will.
Being jovial belongs to people with lives,
Not the ones who pretend they do.

victoria sucks!!! but is awesome

my friend victoria forced me to do this so know i am blogging about nothing. yay!!! :) she is with me now forcing me to say that she is amazing. when she isnt well most of the time. some days she is great, but remember she is forcing me to say all of this.