addicted

today, i have spent the day with my bestfriend talking about life, and everything else. it was one of the funnest days i have had this summer. there was no stress of someone freaking out, it was all just relaxed. we could go from subject with ease, even when we hit the hard subjects. the bad thing is she doesnt understand why i cant open up to people, or it might be that i never took the time to explain it. i cant open up to people for many reasons, one they leave as soon as something hard comes up. the next reason is that they think im weak, with my friends im always the one who listens when someone cries there eyes out, or when they just need to talk about something sad. i have always been that friend, who could support in the time of need, and make everything easier just by listening, and making them realize what there situation acutually is. they then can come up with a solution easier. it amazes me how easily i can make them feel better, but how much i cant help myself, no matter how bad i need it. i cant depend on people, i cant let people get close, the closest someone has been is vic, and even with her i hold back. i cant open up to people, because i know that i could hurt them. worse then they are hurting. i know i worry my friends, about alot of stuff, and a lot of the time i wish i didnt tell them, because now im making them hurt over me.

today, one of the hard topics was about my addiction. my friend thought i was cutting my self, but when i told her it wasn't she wanted to know, but i can barely tell myself, so how can you tell someone else. when you have done something, that you cant stop, that you know you shouldn't do, but its so hard to end it. when you have tried cold turkey, when you have tried telling yourself skip this night, save it for another, and it all doesn't work. you know your in trouble, but you cant admit, that you have a problem. you cant admit to something that is so stupid, so embarssing because you cant make yourself stop from wanting that feeling. i've told one person part of it, because she guessed, and i told her a little bit more. plus she caught me after i went seven days without it, she pushed me to the ninth, and then i cracked. i had to do it. on the day i was with her, i was so jittery, and so jumpy, that i couldnt control my tapping, my gazing eyes, searching everywhere, but what was in front of me. you cant tell a friend what you do, when you have given up on yourself, in the fight for your body back, for your brain, and everything else. you cant admit a weakness like that. i cant admit that im weak, because when your weak, you make mistakes, you lose friends, and you show people that you arent the person they thought you were. i cant dissapoint people when they expect so much from me. i cant show that im diffrent then what i seem. when you get to know me im shy, and scared, but then i become this outgoing person thats stubborn, and everything else, but most people leave before they see the real me.

the last thing i have to say, is something that i cant do in person, because i would show a lot of emotion, and i cant do that, that easily. i am sorry. i am sorry to my friends who know something is going on, and i cant tell you. the only thing i can tell you, is that i wish i wasnt causing you pain. i wish you didnt have to see me broken. i shouldnt be broken, i should just be a kid, but because of my past i cant be yet, i have to break a cycle, and i dont know how to. im sorry. i dont know how many times i have to say it, to make the regret im feeling right now. if i could have a do over of this last i wouldnt have told you, i wouldnt make you feel pain. im so sorry. i will always be there for you, but you dont have to be there for me, even though i know you will be. dont take offense when i cant tell you something, it is my way of ignoring the facts. the facts that i have something wrong with me. im sorry. forgive me.