always

today has been a long one, full of happiness and sadness, like any day i guess. the thing is i like this one guy, his names nathien, and well the good part is that anytime he sees me he says hi, or nods his head at me, its amazing. the bad part about this is one of my bestfriends hates him, because he got her friend in trouble. along with the fact that my sister doesnt want me to like him, mainly because hes a player, and she doesnt want to see me get hurt.

i dont know why he appeals to me, i guess it has something to do with he is loud, and out there, or maybe because he talks alot and it wouldnt be awkward, or maybe its just being with a guy that has alot of friends and knows how to have a good time probably has alot to do with it. i guess the real reason is that he acuatlly notices me, alot more then most guys. most guys just look, and say she means nothing, or they just look right over my head, never noticing me. i guess its nice to be noticed every once in a while. i suprisingly like this feeling. i want to feel important to someone, like this, not like friends or family, just like a guy. i guess i want to feel like someone special. it hasn't ever happened to me where i just can say i am special, because im not usually. im the quiet, smart girl, who intimidates to many people, because of my rough exterior. the sad part about this is that once you know me, you learn that i get scared easily, and things hurt me, but i cant show it because of that, im too bottled up, but it works for me. sometimes im tired of being the girl no one notices, but its not like i can change it. i dont want to change my self, its gotten me this far,it can last me longer, i know that.

rest in peaces

i know i havent posted in a while, and im sorry life has been hectic lately, and i honestly haven't felt the need to write until just now. this last week has been a very long one, mainly because i've been getting bad dreams, and overall a bad feeling. do you know that feeling in your gut where you just know something is going to happen, you can just feel it, you just don't know when or what. this last week it has been happening to me. maybe thats the reason for me always staring off into space who knows. i was right, and i dont want to explain, its just something happened that i thought was over, and now it won't be done for another five to ten years. its going to effect my parents life greatly, and when it effects them it effects me. they go and visit him some, and i'm happy that they are, it's just i really don't want to go and visit him, but i know if i do that i wont see him for a long time. i dont know what to do, my gut says one thing, but logically it says another. i know that who ever is reading is probably confused, its just i need to write, and i need to let this out i just dont want to explain the whole story, its too complicated for me to rewrite, and some how explain in my head.

Emotionless

redo. its something we all wish we could do. with the test we bombed, with the friends we lost, with are whole lives basically. ive wanted to redo my whole childhood, because then maybe i would be closer with my parents, maybe i would trust people more, maybe i would be outgoing like i used, hell maybe i would show emotion like every one else.

im no longer as close to my parents as i want, origanilly, i was like glue to them, they just mattered so much to me, but then i made a lot of mistakes, and i lost them. i blamed my parents for feelings i couldnt place. i didnt like that they worked all the time to support us. i didnt understand then why my mom, and dad were constantly working, the only thing i understood was that mommy, and daddy are at work, and im at my grandmothers. when my parents started to get a regular work schedule, things got easier, but i wasnt apart of the family, until a year after of so, until i really forgave my parents. there isnt any tension between us, just, i think i could be closer to them.

whenever i was a lot younger, i was the life of a party, i would always go up to people shake there hands, and just have fun, now i cant do that. i cant show emotion around really anyone. if i show emotion, it means, to me, a weakness inside. my friend tells me, it doesnt mean weakness it means your human, but to me, human hurts too much. if im strong on the outside, i can make it look like nothing hurts me. that nothing will ever hurt me, and most of the time i believe it. i believe that nothing will hurt me. so far, only once have i been proven wrong by this lie. only once, and the sad part is i did it to myself. about a week ago i had a really bad dream. the dream was so vivid, that i didnt know i was dreaming it, i thought it was real. it took me five minutes to tell myself, it wasnt happening. in the dream, me, my sister, and nazzi, a friend of the familys thats like my sister, were all lieing in a bed, waiting for a guy, to rape us. i remeber it so visually. the part that scared me, is that in that i wasnt strong, i wasnt the person i thought i was. i was just a scared little girl, and the only thing i felt was fear. fear that he would rape me, i couldnt move. it still has me scared, but now im not scared of the dream, im scared, that i lied to myself so well, that i believed my lie. i made myself believe that nothing could touch me, and then a dream proves me wrong. this dream proved one thing, im not strong, i cant defend people, if i had a choice i would run, leaving them there, and the only thing i would be able to think about is the overwhelming fear, not my sister, not my friends. thats what scares me the most, that i would be that inconsiderate. i would run away to make myself safe, and forget about them, the people i would die for. right now, i cant imagine putting them in danger, or not getting them out, but as i look at the facts, i realize the truth.

no one knows that im weak, because i dont let them, most people think im strong, and stubborn, never scared. thats the way i am. for the longest time i havent been able to show emotion, like everyone else. i cant just smile or cry, because feelings are weaknesses, to me. not to everyone else, but for me, it probably will always be that way, because if you show emotion you make mistakes. mistakes are costly.

so many times i wish i could forget the past, but i cant, it haunts me everyday, because i put my parents through the ringer, and it made me, someone no one truly knows. that is the saddest part of my life, no one will ever know the true me.

addicted

today, i have spent the day with my bestfriend talking about life, and everything else. it was one of the funnest days i have had this summer. there was no stress of someone freaking out, it was all just relaxed. we could go from subject with ease, even when we hit the hard subjects. the bad thing is she doesnt understand why i cant open up to people, or it might be that i never took the time to explain it. i cant open up to people for many reasons, one they leave as soon as something hard comes up. the next reason is that they think im weak, with my friends im always the one who listens when someone cries there eyes out, or when they just need to talk about something sad. i have always been that friend, who could support in the time of need, and make everything easier just by listening, and making them realize what there situation acutually is. they then can come up with a solution easier. it amazes me how easily i can make them feel better, but how much i cant help myself, no matter how bad i need it. i cant depend on people, i cant let people get close, the closest someone has been is vic, and even with her i hold back. i cant open up to people, because i know that i could hurt them. worse then they are hurting. i know i worry my friends, about alot of stuff, and a lot of the time i wish i didnt tell them, because now im making them hurt over me.

today, one of the hard topics was about my addiction. my friend thought i was cutting my self, but when i told her it wasn't she wanted to know, but i can barely tell myself, so how can you tell someone else. when you have done something, that you cant stop, that you know you shouldn't do, but its so hard to end it. when you have tried cold turkey, when you have tried telling yourself skip this night, save it for another, and it all doesn't work. you know your in trouble, but you cant admit, that you have a problem. you cant admit to something that is so stupid, so embarssing because you cant make yourself stop from wanting that feeling. i've told one person part of it, because she guessed, and i told her a little bit more. plus she caught me after i went seven days without it, she pushed me to the ninth, and then i cracked. i had to do it. on the day i was with her, i was so jittery, and so jumpy, that i couldnt control my tapping, my gazing eyes, searching everywhere, but what was in front of me. you cant tell a friend what you do, when you have given up on yourself, in the fight for your body back, for your brain, and everything else. you cant admit a weakness like that. i cant admit that im weak, because when your weak, you make mistakes, you lose friends, and you show people that you arent the person they thought you were. i cant dissapoint people when they expect so much from me. i cant show that im diffrent then what i seem. when you get to know me im shy, and scared, but then i become this outgoing person thats stubborn, and everything else, but most people leave before they see the real me.

the last thing i have to say, is something that i cant do in person, because i would show a lot of emotion, and i cant do that, that easily. i am sorry. i am sorry to my friends who know something is going on, and i cant tell you. the only thing i can tell you, is that i wish i wasnt causing you pain. i wish you didnt have to see me broken. i shouldnt be broken, i should just be a kid, but because of my past i cant be yet, i have to break a cycle, and i dont know how to. im sorry. i dont know how many times i have to say it, to make the regret im feeling right now. if i could have a do over of this last i wouldnt have told you, i wouldnt make you feel pain. im so sorry. i will always be there for you, but you dont have to be there for me, even though i know you will be. dont take offense when i cant tell you something, it is my way of ignoring the facts. the facts that i have something wrong with me. im sorry. forgive me.

saving me

why is it that people think life is easy, that everything will turn out okay? what about all the people that comment suicide will everything turn out right for them. i dont really know how to put what im thinking right now. i guess it has something to do with life, mixed with love. can people live with out love, or do they just wash away day by day? i want to know if someone can survive on their own, with no one beside them just themselves, and there wits. or do we have to have someone beside us, saying i love you, and ill care for you, forever. in the last few months i have been told the same thing, i love you. but the sad part of it, is they dont know me. they dont know anything about me, and yet they love me. i dont see how this is possible. for me it takes months sometimes years, for me even to say your my friend. if you last with me that long, i would die for you, because you would matter to me.

how is it that someone you barely know can say those words, that mean so much, like it doesnt matter. they dont realize what those words mean. i have never told a guy i love you, because i cant get close to them, because it takes me so long to become friends with someone, that most people give up on that feeling. it is so hard to see someone you like walk away because you arent ready. but i guess it all turns out well because you never have to be hurt. if they cant wait for you, then they arent worth it.

this past year i have learned so much, about me, life, love. i first learned that you cant just say i love you like it means nothing, then i found out love is complicated, its not you find a guy and you can just wing it. it doesnt that way, you have to work for it, and sometimes, most of the times your let down. the next thing i found out, is that no matter how much you want time to stop, to just make it last a little bit longer, it wont, because life always goes on, no matter what you do. the last thing i learned and probably the most important, never change your self, never think that you need someone to live with you, and always belive in your self.

Tears of an angel

god damint im so pissed. why cant i have one day that is completly good, with no times that i dont want to kill someone. yesterday and today was the same way. yesterday, i was hanging with friends, and then suddenly everything went down hill when one of my good friends asked about a particular thing that i never wanted to tell her. i never wanted to tell her about the way i felt when she said she wanted to die, or when she told me she cut herself. when she would tell me these things, i was in pain, because i think i put her there, or that, i just wasnt there for her enough, and she just wanted to kill herself, because i wasnt strong enough for her. thats what scares me, not being strong enough for my friends. i have to be strong for them, thats why i can barely ever be weak around them, thats why i cant depend on people. when this person asked me what i wanted to tell mercedes she brought this up, and i nearly cried, because i dont ever want people knowing there hurting me. i dont ever want anyone knowing that im hurting. i have to be strong, because if im not strong for myself, how can i take care of the people closest to me.

today was more of a repeat of something that happened in the past. in the past i trusted my sister, and she told my parents about a guy. i knew nothing would become of him, so i didnt tell my parents of it. well when they told them, they were suprised, and dissapointed all at the same time. i cant stand to dissapoint my parents its so hard. tonight, she learned of me knowing a guy that offered me pot, and what does she do, she goes and tell mom and dad. tonight all she did was prove once again, that if you tell her anything make sure that the parents already know about it. she has lost my trust, and i dont give my trust easily, and now it will be harder then ever to gain it. im sorry to those people that want to be a friend, but you will have to work hard, because im not letting someone in, that will just turn and stab me in the back, that has happened so many times, that i have a wall built around me. a wall that is growing and growing in strength, as everyday someone hurts me once again. it went down for this past year and i was hurt, so it will come back up, because im tired of feeling hurt, and used by everyone. im tired of feeling like im not good enough for people. why is it that when life gets harder we retreat into ourselves? why is it that we dont depend on the ones around us? all of the whys in life will never be answered, until we experience it, and learn. we will always be learning, it is just up to us, what we learn, and which lessons we remember.

californication

today has been one of my best in a long time. for once i wasnt worried about my future, or my parents i was just worried about my self, and what i wanted. what i want is simple, friends, and soccer. something that goes hand in hand, most of the time. today i trained for an hour at goal keeping practice, and finally relaxed with tom, my keeper trainer. for me to ever relax with someone is so rare. i finally told my self that he was there to help, and let my self be helped. as i trained i realized things about my life, and where i could go. today i found out my brother is moving out soon, and that i want to be like him, in that i move out, and that i go to college. right now, i have a lot on my plate. my parents expect me to go to college and make good money, and play soccer. my sister is planning on marrying a sugar daddy, which means i get to take care of her when he throws her out. that is my one problem, i cant ever depend on anyone for anything. when i make money, i save it, knowing that ill need it soon. she goes out and spends it immeaditly. most people dont know what i mean when i say that i am the black sheep in the family, but i am also the one the parents espect to do perfectly in everything. i am the black sheep, because im not like my siblings or even my parents, i like being on my own, i like writing poetry, reading, and then i have my other side that loves soccer. i have two diffrent personalitys, that is hard to explain, because i jump around so quickly. my parents expect me to be the one that goes to college, and leads a perfect life, but i know i cant. its hard for me, because all the pressure is on me to succeed in everything i do, and thats a really hard thing for me to do, especially lately. but it has gotten a lot easier now that i have friends. i used to not have friends, well i had one. thats why i dont mind being on my own so much, because i went through three years of it. i dont even remember those three years, im just happy that they are passed. so to all my friends im sorry when im quite, im just not used to depending on anyone, because i didnt have anyone, i didnt have my mom for a while, and that made me hate my dad. i was so stupid back then. things sure have gotten better, and yet somedays, i become numb, and it scares me, because i remember this numb feeling, and i dont want it again. everyone has a fear that will make them cry, and scream in pain, but no one will understand your fear, or the reasons behind them, this is my fear, but no one will understand, because i refuse to let them, they dont need to know about the things that would make them cry. im sorry to my friends, but this is who i am, take it or leave it.